Shepherd's Anatomy
by CarineM
Summary: MerDer eventually. Derek is a broken man while Meredith is ready to let go of her past and move on. Bad summary sorry.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER : I only own the characters in my dream.

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Derek Shepherd didn't recognise himself anymore: he wasn't that guy who picked up a different girl every night except that was exactly what he has been doing. What happened to the man who believed in soul mates? His wife and best friend happened. He knew it was stupid and pointless, he wouldn't heal like that but right now he needed it, he didn't want to feel alone even if it was just for one night, a few hours.

Tonight was no different from the other nights for the past three weeks: he was sitting in a bar, nursing a glass of scotch while wondering which woman would have the pleasure of having sex with him. What was new was the fact that it was his first night in Seattle and not in New York. He felt a little more relaxed, plus he had just brought an amazing land and a trailer. He felt as if he was finally finding himself again, he had been lost believing he liked the life he had been living in New York. He was a simple man, he didn't need a big house, big cars, expensive suits…

He didn't need to look anymore for a woman, from the moment he had looked at her, he knew she was the one who would relieve his tension, make him forget his pain for a moment. He got up, walked towards her, aware of the fact that she was following him with her eyes, a suggestive smile playing on her lips. He stood now in front of her and she didn't bother to hide her interest. She wouldn't take time to convince, she was just looking for the same thing he was.

"Hey, you want something to drink?" He smiled at her, the way he knew had an effect on women.

"How about I make it easier for you? You want me, I want you. Let's forget everything in between." The woman got up, lightly kissed him and walked away.

Derek turned to look at her retreating form and wondered if he had missed something. But when he saw her push open the door of the ladies room, he decided that thinking she would be easy to pick up was an understatement. She wasn't expecting anything from their encounter. She was either looking for fun or as him had lost hope in the existence of love. Since when did he analyse one-night stands? She wanted him and he needed that, it was his turn to push open the same door.

Here he was again, nursing another glass of scotch. The sex had been okay but not enough because he hadn't drank enough before and he still was wide awake. It wasn't late, he had nothing else to do. There was that stupid mixer he was supposed to attend, the Chief had really wanted him there but the latter wouldn't appreciate him being a little drunk so he was stuck here. He finished his drink, turned his face towards the bar and that's when he caught a glimpse of her. It was stupid but he felt as if the world had stopped. He coldn't tell what attracted him more: her hair, her smile, her eyes, her casualty… But he was inexplicably attracted to her. He got up and walked to the unoccupied stool next to her.

"Double scotch, single malt please" He addressed the bartender, then he turned to her "So is this a good place to hang out?" He smiled at her.

"I wouldn't know, I've never been here before" She replied without even looking at him.

She was going to play hard to get and it only increased his desire to get her "Oh well you know what, I haven't either"

"Seriously?" she asked while finally turning her head to look at him, he nodded "But you already christened the ladies room. I'm impressed." she replied sarcastically before turning her head back hoping he would get the message and leave her alone. She had to admit he was hot but one-night stands were over for her. Too bad he was too late, if only they had met several days ago…

"You saw that?" he asked clearly amused by the situation but she made no sign proving that she had heard him. "Ah you're ignoring me"

"I'm trying to"

"You shouldn't ignore me" he said cockily.

"Why not?" She asked seeing he wasn't going to stop and she couldn't deny she was interested in his answer.

"Because I'm someone you need to get to know to love."

"So if I know you, I'll love you?"

"Oh yes"

"You really like yourself, huh?"

"Just hiding my pain"

"Does that line really work for you?" She shook her head in disbelief even if she was sure he didn't even need to talk to get a woman in his bed and that arrogant ass knew it too.

"I don't know, I've never tried it before. Is it working?" He tilted slightly his head and she felt as if his blue eyes were piercing hers.

"To show how cocky you are, definitely"

"I could show you my other talents"

"You should stop wasting both of our time. I'm not going to sleep with you" She dismissed him.

"Did I ask you to sleep with me?" He asked while wearing that annoyingly sexy smile.

"No, of course, you just want to talk to me" she snorted.

"I won't deny that I want to have sex with you but if you just want to talk, it's fine with me" he shrugged.

'I don't want to talk to you" she frowned at the persistence of the guy.

"Oh, you'd rather have sex, your place?" He offered.

"No!" she exclaimed "No sex, no" she shook her head.

"Okay, no sex, your loss. Let's talk then"

"Don't you have women to seduce?"

"Again with that. Jealous?" he smirked

"I don't even know you" she replied in disbelief.

"But she got me first and now you don't want me anymore. If I knew I wouldn't have had sex with her." He said in a serious tone.

"Has is even occurred to you that I'm not interested?"

"No" he answered truthfully. "So are you jealous?"

"I already told you that…" she began exasperated.

"Not with me, I mean in general" He clarified.

She looked at him strangely as if thinking and then she replied "I don't know"

"You don't know" he repeated frowning at the unexpected answer.

"I have never asked myself that but I don't think I am"

"That's not something you ask yourself, you get jealous or you don't"

"I've never been in the position to tell"

"If you ever dated, you must know" when he said that, she looked uncomfortable but he couldn't tell why, he only knew that he was even more intrigued by her.

"That's none of your business anyway" she bluntly said.

At first he was surprised but then it hit him "Don't tell me you've never dated" he asked with eyes wide opened.

"Of course I've dated. Who at my age has never dated? I've dated." she rambled.

His expression of shock changed to a smirk "You are a bad liar. You ramble, it's cute"

"Shut up" she snapped, wondering why she was even still talking to him.

"So you've never dated, huh? Interesting." He got lost in his thoughts and she wondered what he was thinking, not that it mattered anyway then he asked "Can I ask why?"

"No, you can't. I'm done talking to you" she turned her head away from him and ordered another glass of tequila.

"Yet, you're still sitting here" he remarked. She then glared at him, took her glass and started to get up "No, wait" he gently took her free arm.

Was it the pleading tone she thought she had heard in his voice or the sadness in his eyes that had made her stop? She didn't know and she couldn't think straight, tequila was starting to make everything fuzzy.

"I won't let you chase me away anyway, I was here before." she said while sitting back on her stool.


	2. Chapter 2

He smiled and noticed he still had her arm in his hand, it felt good but he reluctantly let it go. "I just want to talk to you"

"Why? Go talk to your friends."

"I don't have ant friends" he replied without a trace of emotion.

"Even if you don't have any friends, which I highly doubt, I'm sure there are lots of women who would appreciate the attention but I'm not one of those so please just go"

"I'm from New York, I moved here three days ago" he told her completely ignoring what she had just said. .

"I'm new here too. I'm from Boston" she replied feeling that she wouldn't get rid of him and at the same time wondering if she really wanted to, he seemed nice when he wasn't being too arrogant.

"What brings you here?"

"I got a job here"

"What a coincidence! I got a new job here too" he smiled at her.

"You left New York for a job in Seattle?" she engaged the conversation for the first time.

"I wanted to escape, change life you know and then I got this opportunity and seized it"

"What are you running away from?" She was now curious, at first she had thought he was just another player but maybe there was more to this man than she had suspected.

He looked at her sadly and frowned as if debating with himself if he should answer or not and at this moment she clearly saw a broken man who was just hiding his pain in alcohol and meaningless sex just as she had been doing for the past years.

"I'd rather not talk about that" he finally replied and asked the bartender another glass of scotch.

"I understand" and she could relate to him.

"What brought you here tonight?" he smiled at her trying to enlighten the mood.

"I wanted to get drunk" she giggled and he found that sound amazing and refreshing.

"Nothing else?" he asked seductively.

"No, I was planning on going home alone" she insisted on the word alone.

"You changed your mind?" he asked hopeful.

"Yeah, you see that guy over there" with her head she pointed some guy, Derek turned to look at him "We could have a good time"

"Why look far for what's in front of you?"

"You never give up, do you?"

"I make a habit out of it. I always get what I want and right now I want you"

"It's so not going to happen" She said as if him wanting her had no effect on her but her voice betrayed her a little.

"You say that now" He smirked confidently. "I don't know your name" he stated, seconds passed and they were still looking at each other and clearly she wasn't going to give him her name so he extended his hand "I'm Derek"

Even his name is hot, she thought. Damn him and his hair, his eyes, his smile…. just when she decided she was going to stop having one night stands, he shows up, all perfect and hot.

"Are you going to shake my hand?" His voice brought her back from her reverie. "What were you thinking about? I'm right here, we could make all your fantasies come true"

"What? No" she didn't know what else to say, she just extended her hand and he gently took it.

"But you don't deny you were thinking about me"

"I was not"

"Okay" he said clearly not believing her "So do you have a name?"

She removed her hand from his "I'm just a girl in a bar"

"I want to know your name" he insisted.

"Well you don't always get what you want" she smirked.

"I'm a patient man." he shrugged and ordered another glass of scotch.

"How many did you have?" she asked pointing to his glass.

"I don't know, a few but not enough" he sighed

"As long as you're not driving, it's okay. Well no, it's not, it's not okay, you shouldn't drink that much but if you're not driving, it's kind of okay" she rambled.

"It's nice of you to take care of me" he chuckled.

"I'm not saying that for you, you'll wake up with a headache and you'll deserve it, I'm more concerned about the people out there"

"Take me home with you and those people will be safe. And if I wake up next to you, I won't care about the headache"

"Not going to happen" she scrunched her nose in a way he found adorable "So you'd better start looking for your next victim"

"Victim?" he repeated amused. "They are more than happy to oblige."

"I bet they are" she smiled at him.

Derek wondered what he really was doing there, talking to her. She wasn't going to have sex with him, he was sure of that now but he still couldn't figure out why. She wanted him, it was obvious at least to him but she wasn't going to give in. He should have left a long time ago and find another woman for the night. He had observed her and had found himself captivated by her, by her moves, by her smile, by the way she rambled when she was uncomfortable…

He was fooling himself believing he still was there to have sex with her. He now felt uncomfortable sitting beside her because when he looked at her, he saw a woman he liked to talk to, a woman he would like to get to know and pass time with but he couldn't afford it. He had learned the hard way that when feelings were involved, the consequences were disastrous.

He needed to go. He turned his head and looked for his next victim as she said and it didn't take him long to find her as his eyes met those of a woman who was offering him a slight smile, the only invitation he needed. He finished his drink and looked back at the woman who was currently amazing him and he needed to run away from before getting lost.

"It was a pleasure to meet you, my girl in a bar" he said sincerely.

"I'm not your girl. You're leaving?" she frowned and he couldn't tell if she was disappointed.

"Unless you want me to stay" he said not knowing what he expected her to answer.

"Are you kidding me?" she chuckled, then she added "It was nice meeting you too, Derek"

"It's unfair, you know my name." He leant towards her until their faces were inches away and surprisingly she didn't move but at the last time he slightly turned his head and kissed her on the cheek. "We will meet again" he smiled at her confidently even if he was staring intently at her in order not to forget anything about her. That kiss had left him wanting more.

At that moment, she felt the stupid urge to ask him to stay with her but she shook her head, smiled at him and then looked at him walking towards a brunette. It didn't take him long to pick her up and soon they were out of the bar but not before he had cast her one last look. Surprisingly she didn't like the fact that he was with another one when she could have him. She wondered if she would meet him again but strongly doubted it and she felt disappointed as if she had missed an opportunity.


	3. Chapter 3

Once he got over the fact that he woke up again in an unknown place with a pounding headache, Derek took a look at his watch and knew he was in trouble. He was supposed to have been at work five minutes ago and he didn't even know where he was. He cursed and jerked out of bed so quickly that he woke up the woman he hadn't even noticed.

"Why are in such a hurry?" she asked sleepy.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. I'm late for work, do you mind if I use your bathroom?"

"No, go ahead"

"Where are we?" He had tried to find a better way to ask that question but he was too late to think about it.

She didn't seem to notice or to mind as she gave him their location. But he didn't know Seattle so it wasn't really helpful so she offered "I'm going to call a cab"

"Thanks" he smiled at her before disappearing in the shower.

He was glad the cab was here just after he had showered, not that he minded her company but he had nothing to tell her except "I had a good time last night, bye"

Once he was in the cab, he started to feel a little stressed. He knew he should stop living like that but since his life had turned upside down, he felt as if he had lost control and Derek Shepherd was the kind of man who loved being in control. His new life was about the only things he still felt he had in his control: alcohol, sex and surgery. He hated to admit it but he felt as if his father had been right from the beginning, feelings were just a loss of time. He had been so sure his father had been wrong but now seeing how close to the edge it had brought him, he found no other solution than to put his feelings aside.

A brief image of his girl from the bar passed through his mind with the sound of her giggle and brought a smile to his lips but as soon as he noticed it, he stopped smiling and tried to erase her haunting image from his mind. That's when he heard the cab driver tell him that they had arrived.

Great, he was 40 minutes late for his first day. But knowing the Chief, he wouldn't hold it against him too much because he had heard about what had happened. He wished the Chief didn't know, he wanted to start fresh, not being look at as some pathetic man who was overcome by the events in his life. He walked confidently towards the entrance, reminding himself that he was the world best neurosurgeon.

"Good morning" he smiled warmly at the nurse in front of him, if he had learned something it was to never cross a nurse even since he was an attending, he still was afraid of them, not that he would ever admit it. "I'm Dr Shepherd, could you tell me where the conference is taking place?"

"First floor, on your right, you can't miss it" she returned his smile. "By the way, Dr Montgomery-Shepherd called a few times and she will call back later"

The smile he held quickly dropped "If she calls except if it's work related, I'm not here, okay?"

The nurse didn't understand the situation but still nodded. Addison had even called him at work. He had turned off his phone because she had decided she wanted to talk to him. He had left her three weeks ago and for two weeks he hadn't heard a single word about her but one week ago she had started to ring him. He needed to get her out of his head, a surgery would be really welcome right now. Before taking the stairs, he asked the nurse where he could find some coffee but she offered to bring one for him. She returned with his cup of coffee, he thanked her and headed to the conference room.

It was the first time he heard about such a conference for interns. He didn't even know what it consisted of and it wasn't like he would know, by now, it was surely finished. But he decided to enter anyway, it was better to be late than not to come, right?

When he pushed open the door, too many heads turned to look at him and now he started to feel embarrassed. He looked in front of him where he saw the attendings and residents who were sitting in front of a long table observing him but what he couldn't miss was the disapproving look of the Chief.

"Nice of you to finally join us, Shepherd"

"I'm sorry Chief, I was…" Derek started but couldn't find anything to justify himself.

"You were?" the Chief inquired once Derek had rejoined them on the podium. "You didn't show up last night and now you're late and you have no explanation. It takes less than that to fire someone."

"Then I'm lucky since I'm the best and you love me" Derek said with a boyish grin and some people in the conference room chuckled.

"How many times do I have to tell you that the charming card doesn't work on men?" The Chief sighed.

"You'd be surprised." he chuckled while making his way to the Chief.

"Shepherd" the Chief warned him.

"All right, I'm sorry, I just moved in, I needed some time to adjust" As soon as Derek finished, a distinctive giggle was heard.

Since he had entered the conference room, Meredith had been in a state of shock. She kept telling herself that it wasn't possible, she was just dreaming. The flirting guy from last night couldn't be Derek Shepherd, one of the top neurosurgeons in America.

"You look like a fish" Cristina who she had just met had whispered to her and she had automatically closed her mouth.

Hearing him now, she had no doubt, that arrogance, he really was there, talk about a coincidence. She had to keep herself from laughing when the Chief insisted on knowing what he had been doing the previous night or more exactly who, if only he knew. When Derek tried to explain himself, she couldn't hold it any longer and her giggle escaped. Way to be discreet in a deadly silent conference room, she covered her mouth as quickly as possible but it was too late.

His head and many others turned to that sound and she wished she could disappear. Then their eyes meet again, he was also surprised but made a good job at hiding it.

"You're an intern" his lips curved into a smile.

"You're Derek as in Derek Shepherd" she said forgetting where she was, just stunned to meet him again, she loved neurology, she was planning on specializing in it and she was a big fan of his work. She had never imagined he would be so hot.

"How unfair is that? Now you know my full name, I still don't know yours"

Before she had time to reply, she was grateful the Chief cut in "You two know each other?" he looked between the two of them.

"Not really, it's a long story" Derek shrugged as Meredith seemed to have lost her voice.

"You're not going to repeat the beginning of your internship here, are you?" the Chief warned him.

No one except the two of them could understand what he meant by that. The Chief had been Derek and Mark's resident and he had witnessed more than he had wished, always finding them having sex somewhere in the hospital with a member of the staff.

"I'm done with doctors" Derek replied bitterly.

"Derek…" the voice of the Chief had gone softer

Derek cut him in "I'm fine, Chief, keep… doing whatever you were doing", he put his briefcase on the floor and sat on the chair at the end of the long table. He vaguely heard the Chief talking as he was mesmerized by his girl from the bar he still didn't know the name. So she was an intern, how was he supposed to run away from her now? She sometimes looked at him too and was blushing at the intensity of his stare. He wished he could stop looking at her.

He saw her move and wondered why but then he realised everyone else was moving. The conference was over, he didn't know how long he had been staring at her or what the conference was about. He picked up his briefcase and was hoping he could talk to her.

"Shepherd, in my office" the commanding voice of the Chief was heard and Derek groaned.

The Chief started walking clearly expecting him to follow and he did so. The walk to his office was silent. It wasn't that Derek didn't want to talk to him but Richard had always considered him as a friend or even as the son he never had and he would want to know how he felt. But he didn't want to discuss his feelings; he wanted to be left alone and to concentrate on surgeries. They finally reached his office and Derek closed the door behind him while Richard went to his desk.

"Derek, how are you?"

"I'm fine"

"Stop saying that. You're not fine. You can talk to me."

"There is nothing to talk about." he paused "I know it's my first day but I don't want to waste it on paperwork, I want to scrub in"

"You're still an addict" Richard smiled, "but Derek, you need to talk to someone, you can't keep everything inside, one day it's going…"

Derek cut him off "Stop that, I'm fine. I don't want your pity, I'm fine. Look, it's nice of you to care but I don't need you to do that, I can take care of myself."

"You don't need to go through that alone."

"I need to get to work, anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"No, you can go" Richard sighed, feeling bad for the man in front of him.

"Okay, I'll see you later" Derek went out of his office.

Derek changed into his scrubs and went to the nurse station to take the chart of his first patient who only needed a craniotomy. It'd be a simple procedure. He wished he had something more exciting and he was a little disgusted by his own thoughts, wishing for someone to be badly injured was morbid. He had been told the name of the residents and he had decided to work with Dr Bailey, as his reputation preceded him. He asked the nurse to page him, thrilled to finally meet the Nazi wondering what he looked like.

He was leaning against the counter when a small woman with interns behind her stopped in front of him. He wondered why she was doing and eyed her confused. He then looked up and his eyes fell on his girl from the bar who was trying her best to avoid his gaze. He smiled at her and he started to feel embarrassed, the small woman was still looking at him.

"You like what you see?" He smirked.

"Excuse me?" she glared at him "You actually paged me for a reason or just to waste my time?"

"You…you're Dr Bailey?" his eyes grew wide.

She pointed to her lab coat and scowled at him "You went to med school, I assume you know how to read"

"I thought you would be…never mind. I'm Dr Shepherd, it's nice to meet you" he extended his hand but she just kept on glaring at him so he lowered his hand "It's nice to meet you too, Dr Shepherd" he chuckled but stoll gpt no reactio from her axcept a deadly glare. "Okay, you're no fun" he shook his head "I need an intern"

"Next time, begin by that. Grey go with Shepherd, the others follow me" she commanded and walked away mumbling something.

Four interns followed her and his girl from the bar stood there, her hands in her pockets and just looking beautiful.

"We meet again" he stated while walking and she just nodded smiling a little "Does it make you as happy as it makes me?"

"I'm happy because I'm getting the chance to work under you, I respect you a lot Dr Shepherd"

"Last night it was Derek and you could have worked under me" he winked at her but was proud she respected him. He liked to tell himself he was the best, it was normal people respected him but coming from her, it felt good.

"Let's just pretend last night never happened" she proposed hopeful.

"I had fun last night"

"I bet you did" she shook her head. "How is the headache?"

"You're not supposed to know I have a headache if last night never happened"

"Fine. I didn't ask" she rolled her eyes.

"Too late and it's okay" he pointed to a room "Here is our patient, take him down to CT and page me when the results are back" he started to walk away but he turned back to her "So DR Grey, what's your first name?"

"I'm not telling" she giggled wondering why he was so interested in her name.

"Fine, I'll keep calling you my girl in a bar"

"No, you can't" she took a serious tone.

"Why is that?"

"People will think things that are not true, I don't want them to think we met in a bar"

"But we met in a bar"

"People who met randomly in a bar generally end up having sex, they will think we had sex"

"You'll start regretting not having sex with me then, if you don't already"

"I don't regret anything and I won't."

"Come on, give me your name"

"Why is that so important anyway?"

Good question, why? He didn't really know but now it didn't mattered "I happen to like to know the name of the people I meet"

"Really? What was the name of that woman you fucked in the ladies room?" she challenged him.

"You should stop mentioning her before I really think you're jealous" he smirked.

"I'm not, I'm just trying to prove my point here"

"What point? That you don't want to give me your name? That's stupid" He laughed and surprisingly she laughed too.

"Yes, it is but I'm still not going to tell you"

"I could just read it on your lab coat but I'd rather you tell me" he told her with a serious tone.

"I'm Meredith" she finally extended her hand after a slight hesitation.

Surprised, he took her hand and repeated her name softly "Meredith" he smiled at her "I'll see you later"


	4. Chapter 4

Derek went to his office to do some paperwork while waiting for Meredith to page him. Meredith, he finally knew her name. When he was not with her, all he could think about was her and how important it was for him to stay away from her. but once she was nearby, all he could do was stare at her and what scared him the most was that some time he wasn't just thinking about having sex with her. She seemed different and he really wanted to get to know her but if he continued thinking like that, he would be screwed.

His pager beeped, it was time to face Meredith again. She had her back to him and the hallway was empty, he couldn't resist teasing her. He would take his distance later, later sounded good or at least better than now. He approached jer carefully without her noticing and stayed like that for a moment just enjoying her scent, her hair smelled some flower he couldn't recognise. He softly placed his head at the crook of her neck and her reaction was immediate.

"What the fuck do you thing you are doing?" she cried while quickly turning around.

"You hair smells nice" he answered innocently

"Thanks" she was clearly taken aback by his answer, "But don't touch me again"

"Soon you'll be begging me to touch you"

"In your dreams" she rolled her eyes

"I've already done that, now I want the real think" his eyes travelled down her body

She blushed "The results are back" she handed him them.

He took them and she noticed how his whole demeanour changed, right now he was not Derek anymore, he was currently Dr Shepherd who was examining results.

"That's exactly what I thought. Book an OR and be ready to scrub in"

Meredith's face lit up "I'm really going to scrub in?"

"On one condition"

Meredith eyed him suspiciously "I'm not going to have sex with you"

"You really do think a lot about having sex with me for someone who is not interested. I was actually thinking about dinner"

"I really do want to scrub in but we can't have dinner"

"Why not?"

"You're my boss, it's inappropriate. I don't want people thinking I'm trying to…"

"Who cares about what people think?" he cut in

"I'm not interested anyway"

"That's a lie"

"You're a man whore" she blurted out "I'm done with one night stands. I'm looking for someone I could spend the rest of my life with and no offence, but you can't be that someone. You're incapable of committing to one woman."

"Okay, page me when the OR is ready, you'll scrub in" he said while looking at the chart. He wanted to laugh at the irony of the situation, if only she knew that the worst mistake he had ever made in his life was committing himself to a woman. He didn't even know why he wanted her so much, but he just thought if they had sex, the feeling would go away and that was getting less and less probable. He sighed.

"I didn't mean it like that. I'm sure you're a nice guy, it's just that… I'm sorry" she bit her bottom lip.

She thought she had hurt him and he could only noticed how cute she looked, damn he shouldn't think like that. "Sorry because you said the truth?" he smiled at her before going back to his office.

He was paged to OR2. Once arrived, he saw Meredith who was already washing her hands, she looked excited. He remembered his first surgery as an intern and he was glad they would share that together.

She turned to him "It's an honour for me to scrub in with you on my first surgery"

He nodded at her with a slight smile and went into the OR, that's where he felt at home. It had been three weeks since he had performed a surgery. "It's a beautiful day to save lives. Let's have some fun"

The surgery was uneventful just as he had predicted. He had had the occasion to quiz Meredith and to be surprised at how good she already was. He felt even more elated to be there since he could experience Meredith's emotion.

In the afternoon, he had had another surgery with Dr Stevens who he found nice and caring, a little bit too cheerful but he hadn't minded. He would have of course preferred to spend his afternoon with Meredith. Every time he realized what he was thinking, he wished he could take it back.

He was now in his office, finishing his paperwork in order to go home. Little did he know that Meredith was standing on the other side of his door, debating if she should knock or not. She wanted to apologize but at the same time she told herself that she shouldn't worry about him being offended. She remembered him telling her that he had no friends and she felt bad for him. They way he lived proved he was a jerk or someone in pain and she remembered him telling her he was just hiding his pain. It that was the case, he was like she had been and he needed friends to go through that. She finally knocked on the door.

"Come in" she heard him say but she didn't move. What was she going to tell him?

Derek waited a little but then no one came in and he thought it was a mistake so he kept on working. But then the door opened and revealed who he had last expected to be here.

"I… Maybeweshouldhavedinner" she blurted out.

"Excuse me?" he asked amused by her discomfort.

"Maybe we should have dinner" she repeated but when she saw the light in his eyes she added "Just as friends, you told me you had no friends"

"You want to be my friend?"

"If you want to" he kept looking at her frowning "I'm an idiot you just wanted to have sex with me, it's okay, I'll just go" she turned around blushing.

"We can be friends" he finally said ignoring the voice inside of his head who was telling him to refuse, to not get too close to her before it was too late "and you'll see I'm a good friend"

"How do you know? You don't have friends."

"I'm a good listener, I'm funny, I'm smart and I could go on and on so I'm a good friend"

"Is there anything you're not good at?" she mocked him

"Not that I know of" he shook his head

"Of course" she rolled her eyes "Meet me in the lobby in fifteen minutes, okay?" he nodded.

Fifteen minutes later, Derek was gracefully sitting in the lobby, waiting for Meredith. He wondered what he wanted from her. When he accepted being friends, did he really mean it or was he just trying to spend time with her?

"I'm ready" he hadn't even noticed she had arrived. She was a simple woman and he found her beautiful for that.

"Would you mind if we had dinner at your place?" She looked perplexed, she bit her lower lip. He smiled at her "You could cook for me"

"Too bad, I don't know how to cook and even if I did, I wouldn't cook for you"

"I will cook for you then"

"You want to cook for me?" He nodded, no one had ever cooked for her before.

"Are you trying to seduce me?" she giggled.

"Do you want me to?"

"No, and I'm not sure about dinner at my place"

"Come on, it'll be fun and I'll behave" he pleaded her with his eyes, how could she say no to that?

"All right, plus I want to taste your food"

"Only my food?" he inquired suggestively.

"How do you always bring everything back to sex?"

"It's a talent"

"Whatever. Let's go" she rolled her eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

They drove to her house in their respective cars. They parked their cars and Meredith looked for her keys to open the door.

"So, this is where you live" she nodded. It's a little dusty but it's nice." he said while looking around him and taking his coat off.

"I told you I moved here from Boston" when he nodded, she continued "It was two weeks ago, this was my mother's house, I was thinking of selling it but I'm staying here"

"Your mother and my father were friends and they shared the same beliefs. It must have been hard growing up with her as a mother"

"It wasn't fun. What about you?"

He just shrugged and she knew that was part of what had broken him just like her.

"What made you change your mind? About staying here" He followed her into the kitchen.

"I've come to terms with the past" she replied and he wished he could just do the same.

"How am I supposed to cook for you? There is nothing here"

"Crap, sorry I forgot" she exclaimed, "We could just order pizza if you don't mind"

"I don't" he shrugged.

He followed her into the living room where she took the phone and ordered the pizza they had chosen. He sat on the couch, and she sat at the opposite end, as far from him as she could.

"You know, I don't bite"

"I don't trust you"

"Now, I'm offended" he feigned being hurt.

Meredith turned on the TV but there was nothing interesting so she turned it off and turned back to Derek "We should talk"

"Talk? Are you breaking up with me?" he frowned.

She playfully hit him "Are you ever serious?"

"It happens, so yeah, let's talk" he agreed.

"How do you like Seattle so far?"

"Seattle has ferryboats" he replied as if it was an answer

"That's an unexpected answer" she frowned

"I haven't had time to visit yet, I wasn't planning on liking it here. I'm genetically engineered to dislike everywhere, except Manhattan. I have a thing for ferryboats" he stared into her eyes and she could not look away.

The sound of the bell startled them both. Derek started to get up but Meredith told him she would go get it. She needed some time away from him, his stare and to clear her mind from all the porny thoughts she had. She paid for the pizza, put it on the table and sat back on the couch without thinking that she was now closer to him but he had noticed and had that little smirk she found so annoyingly sexy. But it was too late to move anyway.

"You want something to drink?" she asked him, hoping for an opportunity to get up in order to sit far from him. The closeness was really bothering her and her wild imagination.

"I'll get it, you want something?" he said instead and before she had time to reply he was already up. Damn, had he predicted what she was thinking?

"A beer" she answered

"No tequila, tonight?" he smirked before disappearing in the kitchen and coming back with two beers.

They started to eat and drink in silence. She was seriously considering that Derek only knew how to flirt with women but not really talk to them seeing how quiet he was.

"You didn't answer my question earlier" she said and he looked up "How was it to be the son of the Chief of The New York Presbyterian Hospital and the world best neurosurgeon?"

"He was more a professor than a father." he replied and Meredith could see the sadness in his eyes. That was obviously still a touchy subject and he didn't want to elaborate.

"What about your mom?" she asked hoping she wasn't being too indiscreet.

"My mom left when I was seven and I've never seen her since."

"We may have more in common than I thought. My father left when I was five."

"I'm sorry" he said sincerely, and it meant something to her because if someone could say that and understand what she had been through, it was him.

"I know it's none of my business but I kind of know what you've been through since I've been through the same, I'm not saying we had the same lives…" she stopped sensing she wasn't really making sense. "What I mean is that alcohol and sex won't make it better"

"And surgery" he added

"What?" she frowned.

"Alcohol and sex, no but alcohol, sex and surgery, yeah"

"Is everything a joke to you?" she asked disbelieving.

"I appreciate what you're doing but I don't need to be saved."

"That's something I would have said a month ago" he shook her head, realising just how hurt he must be and how hard he was trying to hide it and she had to admit he was doing a pretty good job at it.

"I wish I had met you a month ago" he said half-joking.

"I'm glad I've changed"

"I hope you'll find what you're looking for. I had changed too only to be more disappointed in the end" he sighed. "Can we talk about something else?" he asked in a sad tone..

"No. What do you mean?" she wondered what had caused his sudden change of mood.

"I met a woman, she wanted to help me just like you're trying to do, I fell in love with her, we got married, I thought everything would be okay, that my father was wrong, love existed and I had found it. But it was just bullshit." He looked into her eyes and felt shocked at how much it was easy to confide in her. She wouldn't judge him or pity him.

"You just met the wrong person but you shouldn't give up on love." She was dying to ask what had gone wrong, what his wife had done to him but she didn't want to pry. And most of all she was astonished, he had been married!

"Too late and I don't regret it. Tell me about yourself, how come you've never dated?"

"You remember that. I never had a serious relationship, I started to drink young and have sex with inappropriate men. But it's over." she said as if it was no big deal and it wasn't since it was the past.

"Hmm, you were that kind of girl. Won't you make an exception for me?" he tilted his head.

"No, no exception" she shook her head and averted his penetrating gaze.

"If we had met one month ago, what would have happened?"

"That, you'll never know"

"I can't explain this feeling but I want you, Meredith, like I've never wanted anyone and I could make you want me as well" his voice was low and she felt lost in his eyes. "Mer" he murmured softly, he brought his body closer to hers and she showed no sign of moving. He brought his hand to her face and turned it so she was facing him. She felt weak as his hands moved softly against her back, with the expertise of a man who knew exactly how to please a woman. She couldn't ignore the burning desire in his eyes and she was sure he could see the same in her eyes.

She suddenly froze "Don't"

"You won't regret it" he promised

For a moment, she really wanted to believe him, his hands held the promise of a really good time. She wanted to know how it would feel to let him continue and wondered how those lips would feel against hers and on every part of her now anticipating body. Still, she gently pushed him away, so their bodies weren't touching anymore.

"Please, leave" she couldn't even look at him, she was staring at the floor hoping he would just listen to her, if he touched her one more time, she didn't know if she would be strong enough to push him away again.

She made the mistake of looking up into his blue eyes and she didn't know what she wanted anymore, her body was craving for his touch while her mind was ordening her to run away as fast as she could. She didn't know how it had happened but now his lips were against her and she was welcoming the wonderful sensation. She knew in the back of her mind that she should be pushing him away but when she opened her mouth to talk, he took it as an invitation to plunge his tongue into her mouth. Automatically, her arms curved around his shoulders, bringing him closer to her. He took advantage of that to lift her on his laps.

She was so caught up in his ministrations that she hadn't even noticed he had removed her shirt and was now dealing with the fastening of her bra. She observed how his eyes darkened with desire once her breasts were revealed, her nipples were already hard when he licked them, according the same attention to each.

She tried as hard as she could to suppress a moan but he bit lightly on one of her nipples and a moan escaped her. His mouth now trailed kisses up her throat before exploring her mouth again. Meredith was aware of his arousal, the sensation of his hard member moving against her belly was making her dizzy.

"You're so beautiful" he lightly pushed his head back and looked into her eyes, waiting for an allowance and at that point, she couldn't refuse him any more, she wanted him. Her hands travelled down his chest, opening the buttons of his shirt to slide her hands and finally touch him. Derek took it for an agreement and lowered his hands to the waistband of her trousers.

She remained in her thong while he still was half-clad so she brushed her hands against his hard nipple and got rid of his shirt. She was now impatient and lost in her pleasure and desire. Her hands travelled down his chest and found the waistband of his trousers and as her knuckles brushed against his hard member, he let out a low groan. At that point she knew there was no turning back or at least she thought.

Because then, he suddenly stopped kissing her, put his forehead on her shoulder and took her hands in his, preventing them from touching him.

"I want you so much, it's painful" he muttered breathlessly making her feel his hot breath against her shoulder.

She didn't understand why he had stopped. She tried to capture his lips again but he just moved his head aside. He lifted her off of his lap and gently put her back on the couch. He ran his hand against the side of her face.

"You were right Meredith, I can't commit to a woman and you deserve so much more that what I can offer you"

Meredith was taken aback. He had wanted her so much and now that he could have her, he was no longer interested.

"It was the thrill of the chase." she moved away from his touch, he looked at her confused. "No woman had ever resisted you before. Get out of my house"

"No, it's nothing like that" he began explaining himself.

"Save it, Derek, get out" she felt dejected, he had succeeded, she would have been ready to beg for his touch, she felt humiliated. It all had been a game to him. She turned her head away from him, not bearing the sight of him.

"Meredith, I know what you're thinking. But no, it wasn't some game to get you to have sex with me. I want to sleep with you but I can't do that to you. I don't believe in love anymore and you want all those things. I don't want you to care about me or you could just end up like me. I hope you can understand, I never meant to hurt you, I'm sorry." He put back his clothes on and went out of her house.

Tears threatened to fall, it was too late, she already cared for him. She took her clothes and went directly to bed, hoping sleep would come quickly. A part of her was very angry at him but another one knew he was right. He would just use her for sex and that was no longer what she was looking for, she wanted something and he couldn't give to her. She should even feel thankful he had stopped before she had totally lost herself in him but right now she couldn't.

Derek drove to his trailer, cursing himself. He shouldn't have let things go so far. Meredith was an amazing person and he didn't want to hurt her but it was too late, he just hoped she would be able to forgive him and they could stay friends. At the same time, there was that tiny part of him who wished he could be the guy she wanted, the guy who could take care of her, love her and belong to her. But he didn't want to suffer another time, he would never be ready for that again.


	6. Chapter 6

When Derek woke up the next morning, he wanted nothing more than to stay in bed all day. He hadn't slept at all, he had thought about Meredith and then Addison had started calling him and left a message he hadn't heard yet. He still got up, showered and dressed to go to work. He took his phone and turned it on. He didn't want to listen to it but he had to let go of the past, that could be a first step. He brought his phone to his ear but at the last time he shut it down again. He wasn't ready yet but he would be soon, at least he hoped.

Later he arrived at work and was determined to not let things waste his day. But first he needed to find Meredith and apologize again, he couldn't ignore how hurt she had looked when he had let her down. He regretted it but he was sure he had made the right choice. She wouldn't want to talk to him so he paged her in a patient's room which was empty. As he waited for her he wondered what he was going to tell her, seconds passed and they felt like minutes to him. Someone pushed the door opened and there she was but as soon as she saw him, she started to turn around.

"Meredith please, I just want to talk to you"

She stopped for a moment, her back still at him as if she was debating if she should listen or not, he hoped for a moment but then she suddenly stormed out of the room. It still wasn't the right time. He sighed and buried his head in his hands but now wasn't the time to break down.

He was going to do his job since it seemed to be the last thing he still knew how to do.

The day passed slowly and Meredith had made a really good job at avoiding him since he hadn't seen her since their brief encounter. He wanted to go home and sleep but he really needed a drink so he headed to Joe's. He instantly noticed her, she had her back to him and was at the same place she was they day they had met. Maybe he should give her some space but he couldn't bring himself to do that. He walked towards her and when he stopped next to her, she acknowledged him with a groan. She had recognised him without even turning around. He noticed she already had a fair amount of alcohol, of course of tequila.

"Meredith" he started

"Leave me alone" she cut him off.

"I'm really sorry"

"Great, now go away"

"We need to talk first"

"No"

"Okay, no talking then" he said while sitting down next to her and ordering a drink.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm having a drink" he pointed to his glass.

"Can't you just go?" she asked in a defeated tone, she didn't even know if she was still angry. She understood why he had done what he didbut it didn't make it easier to forgive him.

"I'm sorry, Meredith" he repeated again.

After a long pause she replied "I know but I need some time". The way she had felt last night when he had touched her had made her realise that some kind of feelings were already involved. She didn't need to get hurt so she would take her distance until she was sure it was nothing.

"Okay" he replied "You aren't going to drive, are you?"

She should have been annoyed but a part of her was happy because he cared, not that she was going to let him know "I'll call a cab"

"Goodnight then" he got up and stood still for a moment, she was sure he was going to say something but he changed his mind and turned around.

He drove back to his trailer, feeling a little better. She just needed some time but he wouldn't let go until she had forgiven him. He had thought so much of Meredith that he had forgotten about Addison. When he arrived at his trailer, he took his phone, feeling ready to listen to her message but at the last time again, he shut it down. He was a coward but he would deal wit that later, now he needed sleep. He drifted to sleep hoping Meredith was home by now.

In the morning, he felt rather good and was ready to start a new day. Today, he would make Meredith listen to him. There was still Addison's message he had to hear. He brought his phone to his ear and this time when her voice vibrated in his ear, he didn't push it away, he just closed his eyes and listened.

"Derek, please, we should talk. It was a mistake, I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you, please, baby, I love you so much" she sobbed "I miss you so much, please give me another chance. We're Addison and Derek, we can make it work, I'd do anything." pause "I'll call you back"

Derek had tears in his eyes, he wanted so badly to believe her but he couldn't. Still, he found himself, listening to her message over and over again. She had been so wonderful to him, she had made him believe in love, they had faced everything together and then she had taken back everything, letting him a broken man. His pain turned to hatred and anger. He shouldn't have listened to that message after all.

He drove to work, her voice haunting him. He parked his car, he knew it was sick but he brought back the phone to his ear and listened again to her voice. He really wanted to put the past behind but she was making it difficult, now he was angry and his day was going to be awful.

He had changed in his scrubs and was heading to his first patient's room. His eyes were still a little red but he looked fine, on the exterior he always looked fine anyway. He entered the patient's room and seconds later, Dr Bailey and her interns entered too. Derek kept his eyes glued to the chart or the patient. He didn't want to look at Meredith, to see resentment in her eyes or indifference.

"Who is presenting?" asked Dr Bailey.

"Edward Levangie is a 63-year-old man admitted for pain management for Dyskinesia. He's been stable since last night, and responding to the bolus injections. " An intern he didn't know replied.

"Izzie, possible treatments?" asked Dr Bailey.

There was no way Derek would be able to stand having her for an intern, not today. He hoped she would get it wrong.

"For Parkinson's disease?" began Izzie.

This was his chance to get her off the case "Not for Parkinson's, for spinal pain" and she didn't know

He was about to say something else when a nurse entered in "Excuse me, Dr Shepherd?" she looked at him and he nodded "There is Dr Montgomery-Shepherd on the phone for you"

The chart he was holding slipped out of his hands but he didn't even register the sound it made when it touched the floor.

"Tell her I'm busy" he finally said when he found back his voice.

"She said it was really important, that she really needs to talk to you" continued the nurse.

"I don't care" replied Derek starting to get angry.

"She said she wasn't going to give up until you talk to her" insisted the nurse.

"Don't you have something else to do?" snapped Derek

"I.. yes… but" stammered the nurse taken aback by his outburst.

"Then, get it done" he shouted. The nurse now looked quite frightened and the other people in the room really surprised "I'm sorry, you're just doing your job, I didn't mean to…" he sighed, passing a hand thorugh his hair. "If she calls back, don't bother telling me, thanks". He picked up the chart and the nurse quickly disappeared.

"So possible treatment for spinal pain?" he gripped tighly his pen, trying to remain professional, he wasn't supposed to lose his temper.

"Intraspinal catheter. That way, he can have constant pain medication" Derek instantly recognised the sound of her voice.

Now he thought maybe spending the day with Dr Stevens wouldn't have been such a bad idea "Excellent. This is Dr. Grey. She's going to prep you for the procedure and assist."

He quickly exited the patient's room to find shelter in his office. He needed sometime to calm down and to catch up his lack of sleep before his surgery. He didn't know how long he had been sleeping when he heard a soft knock on the door.

"Come in" he replied.

Meredith entered and closed the door behind her but she didn't say anything, just looked at him. He thought she would have avoided him today. He knew he had to say something but he was at a loss for words, he had no idea what to tell her.

"Last night I was mad, really mad but I understand so can we just forget what happened?" she said in a little voice.

"You're not mad anymore?" he inquired surprised.

"No" she affirmed, he looked at her sceptically "Okay maybe a little but it's okay".

"Really?...Thanks" he felt relieved .

"We're still friends, right?"

"If you still want to, yes"

"Then you can talk to me. I was serious, Derek, none of what you're doing is going to help you"

He looked into her eyes and he knew he trusted her. He wouldn't make him lose anything to try and talk about it. The avoidance hadn't showed any sign of progress.

"You may want to sit down" he gestured the couch where he was sitting but Meredith chose to sit on the chair in front of his desk, he nearly made a comment but thought better.

He took a deep breath before starting "I told you my mother left when I was 7 so it was just my father and I if you can call that a father. He tried to teach me what he thought was important in life, he was constantly telling me that I was a disappointment because I paid too much attention to my feelings and others' feelings. Friendship or love were just words for him. I admired him, I'd have done anything to make him notice me, be proud of me...love me. Until my third year as a resident, I hadn't had one serious relationship. I only had one real friend, Mark and he was exactly like me. Then I met her."

He paused ad she thought he was going to stop but he kept on as if he was reliving what happened "At first I just wanted to have sex with her but she would tell me she wasn't one of those women I could fuck and leave in the morning. There was something about her that fascinated him, I wanted to know her, one day I asked her on a date and that's how it began. She truly helped me to get rid of the influence my father had on me. We were in love, got married. Then I don't know, we got busy with our jobs. And one day, I found her in bed with my best friend Mark. It's just so pedestrian, common and dirty, and cruel. Mostly just cruel."

He took a deep breath before continuing "I hated to admit that my father had been right all along, love and friendship were just meaningless words. I gave her divorce paper before coming here but she won't sign them, she keeps calling me, begging me to forgive her and I can't but I miss her so much."

Mereith realised how fragile he looked "When you told me that your father and my mother shared the same beliefs, you were unfortunately right. I can't tell I know what you feel, but we went through the same things except for the wife and best friend thing…I ended up lost too but I won't let my mother ruin my life any longer. I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy so I'm using my past to be stronger. Are you happy?" she looked at him.

"No" he sighed

"Then do something about it!" she exclaimed and at that moment, he really wanted to try. Life wasn't supposed to be so hard after all.

"You're right" he agreed "I have already lost enough time"

"Good. That's really good" she smiled.

"Just I don't know how" he admitted. "I don't know how to be happy."

"I could help you" she offered without thinking what it implied.

"That's really nice but why do you even want to help me?"

"It's a selfish reason. I want to believe that it's possible for people like us to be happy. So in fact I'd be doing it for me"

"I see" he smiled. "And how are we going to do that?"

"First, you need to stop thinking about it as if it was impossible. And then I don't know, we could talk, hang out, do what normal people do"

"Normal people" he repeated "I'm in" After all he had nothing to lose, right?

"Okay, do you want to come over tonight?"

"I don't know if it's a good…" he looked up and she was smiling reassuringly at him "I'd like to, yes"

"You owe me dinner"

"Really?" he frowned.

"Yes and it better be good"

"I don't know, once you've tasted my food, you can't go on without it. I don't want to become your slave"

"How does your big ego fit in that office?" she rolled her eyes. Her pager beeped "I'll see in the OR" she said before leaving.

The surgery was uneventful, they had shared a good moment, just being happy to perform together for a second time. They hadn't seen each other in the afternoon, it was now 7:08 and Derek was still waiting for Meredith in the lobby, getting anxious because he thought she had decided not to show up and he couldn't even resent her for that. He even thought she had made the right choice. They were supposed to meet at 7, she only was 8 minutes late but he convinced himself she wasn't going to come. He felt disappointed at the prospect of not spending time with her, he started to walk towards the exit when he heard her voice.

"You're leaving without me"

He turned around "Meredith" he said her name as if he couldn't believe she was in front of him.

"Yes, that's my name" she said wondering why he looked so surprised to see her.

"You're here" he stated.

"Aren't you Mr Obvious? We were supposed to meet here so I'm here"

"I thought you weren't going to show up. Thanks" she didn't even realise what it meant to him that she had come.

"Sorry I'm late." she replied and walked towards the exit knowing he would follow her. "You're lucky, I still haven't done the grocery, we will just order something and watch a movie, okay?"

"Can I say no?"

"No"

"That's what I thought, at least can I choose the movie?"

"No, maybe next time"

"You're bossy, I like that" he turned his head at her smiling but then averted her gaze and quickly changed subject before she had time to answer "Don't tell me it's a chick flick"

"Stop asking questions." she said before going into her car and putting an end to the conversation but not without asking herself why he was acting so strangely, avoiding her gaze.


	7. Chapter 7

Derek followed Meredith to her house and even if it was just the second time, it felt like a habit and he found it extremely disturbing. He was elated she still wanted to have him as a friend and he wasn't going to waste it another time,he had to stop looking at her as if he wanted her naked and stop flirting would be good too. They arrived at her house and he wondered what film she had chosen. She was a surprising woman so he couldn't tell what sort of film she liked just like he couldn't have figured out that she was fond of tequila. He watched her as she look for her keys in her purse, she was starting to get exasperated and to pout. All he could thought about was how beautiful she looked. It felt like he was already breaking his own rules.

"Finally!" Meredith exclaimed, she went in but Derek didn't follow her, she turned to him "You need an invitation?"

"What?" he snapped back to reality, he hadn't even seen her move and it looked like she had said something but he couldn't tell what.

"What's your problem tonight? Are you all right?" she inquired while taking off her coat.

"I'm fine, just tired, sorry" he finally entered in her house and also took off his coat.

"What do we order?" she asked as she sat on the couch.

"I get to choose what we eat?" he smiled, she rolled her eyes and just looked at him expectantly "Chinese"

"Seriously? I hate Chinese!" she exclaimed.

"Then choose, I don't care" he shrugged.

"Pizza" she took the phone to order.

"Again?" he sat on a sofa next to the couch.

"I love pizza" she chose to ignore that he had decided to sit as far away as he could from her. "But if you want something else…"

"No, it's fine, I'm not hungry anyway" he cut in.

"Okay" she frowned.

While ordering pizza, she didn't mean to, but she was staring at Derek. Anyway, it wasn't as if he was going to notice since he made a point out of looking everywhere except at her. She noticed how he passed his hand through his hair and wished it was her hand instead. She had had the occasion of doing it the other night, the night she wish she could just forget but she longed to do it again. She longed for his touch. She pushed those thoughts aside to concentrate on her task, ordering pizza. She needed to stop thinking of him like that, they were just friends and she didn't want to fall in love with someone who could never return her feelings.

She hung up but Derek still looked lost in his thoughts.

"So do you want to talk about it?" she startled him.

"Talk about what?"

"About what you're thinking"

"Nothing interesting" he answered.

"You've been acting strangely, well I think… because I don't know you that much but from what I know, you've been acting strangely."

"Sorry, I'm just tired"

"You can go home and rest if you want." she proposed, concerned, he seemed really tired and she felt bad for almost forcing him to come to her place.

"No, I'd rather stay".

"You don't have to. I know I kind of forced you to come but I'll understand if you're too tired to stay. Go home and rest, we can do that another time. It's…"

"Mer" he cut in "I want to stay here and spend the night with you." he smiled a little and when her eyes grew a little wide, he realised what he had just said and how it could be interpret "I didn't mean it like that" he apologized "Sorry" he sighed. "Maybe I should just go" he started to get up but Meredith got up too and grabbed his arm.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked gently.

"I don't know. You're really nice and I'm tired, angry, hurt and I don't want to ruin whatever we have. I should just go, we can see each other another night if you want"

"We are friends, it means you can talk to me when something is bothering you." She said but he didn't move so she added "Sit Down!"

He looked at her perplexed but still he did as he was told. She took back her position on the couch and waited for him to begin.

"I want to forget about the past, I don't want to talk about it" he finally said.

"It's okay to not be ready. Maybe another day"

"Yeah, maybe" he replied not sure that day would ever come.

Meredith wasn't sure why she wanted him so much to open up. Sure she wanted to be his friend but it seemed as if a part of her wanted to know everything about him.

The door bell rang "You can get beers while I get the pizza" she told him.

When she came back, there were four beers on the table and Derek still lost in his thoughts who didn't even seem to notice she had returned, and she tried not to be bothered by that. There was still that stupid part of her who wanted him to notice her.

"Derek" she said in a too soft voice for her liking. He looked up and she could see in his eyes that he was sorry. He opened his mouth to say something but she was quicker "Don't say you're sorry again"

He smiled sheepishly at her "Sorry"

"What did I just say?" she shook her head, smiling.

"I'm sorry I said sorry because I was going to say sorry"

"Seriously?"

"Sorry"

"Are you doing that on purpose?"

"What? I'm sorry you think I'm capable of such a thing"

"Enough with the sorries!" Meredith laughed.

"The sorries?" Derek laughed too and wasn't prepared to receive the cousin she threw at him. "Ouch"

"Ouch?" she laughed harder. "What kind of guy says ouch?"

"A guy in pain" replied Derek, the cousin clung in his hands and covering his face.

"In pain? Are you kidding me?"

"It hurts"

"Poor baby" she kept laughing but he still wouldn't uncover his face and he was talking as if he really was in pain. She hadn't thrown the cousin that violently, had she? She was starting to worry. "Are you all right?" she got up and put her hand on his shoulder and he flinched at her touch.

"Stay away from me, please" he sniffed.

"Are you crying?" Meredith asked in disbelief. That couldn't be happening. Dr Derek Shepherd, the neurosurgeon god, couldn't be crying in her living-room because she had thrown a cousin at him, that was just unbelievable. She wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation but right now she was too busy being worried. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…" her voice trailed off when Derek couldn't contain his laugh any longer.

"You're the one sorry now" he laughed.

"Smartass, you're unbelievable" she took the cousin from his hands and throw it at him again.

"That I am" he carefully ran his hand through his hair as if to put them back into that perfect order she was sure he took time to do in the morning.

"You can't stand having untidy hair" she observed.

"Of course I can"

"No, you can't"

"I can" he put back his hand on the arm of the sofa, when he was satisfied with the result.

"Really?" She ran her hands through his hair to dishevel them or just to touch them, his hair were sos oft and inviting.

Derek's hand automatically went up to tidy them but he stopped himself and put it back on the arm of the chair. "Satisfied?"

"No, even dishevelled, your hair is still…." she suddenly stopped talking "We should eat, it's going to get cold" she went back to sit on the couch and took a slice of pizza.

"Is still what?" he as well took a slice.

"Nothing. I wasn't going to say anything." she replied, there was no way she was feeding his already oversized ego.

"Okay" he dropped the subject "So what are we going to watch?"

"Don't make a comment, okay?" he nodded "Pretty Woman"

"Pretty Woman" he repeated thoughtful. "I've heard of it before but I don't remember where"

"You've heard of it? Don't tell me you've never seen it"

"Fine, I won't tell you" he smirked, unsure of why she was so shocked about it.

"I can't believe it"

"Why? It's just a movie and I'm sure it's a chick flick."

"Just a movie, you don't know what you're talking about" she repeated disbelieving. "Everyone has seen it"

"Not everyone since I haven't seen it"

"You're not normal" She shook her head.

"I'm working on it" he referred to their earlier conversation.

"Good. You know I kind of envy you"

"Only kind of?" he replied arrogantly.

"There it goes again" she rolled her eyes.

"Why do you kind of envy me?"

"You get to discover new things like Pretty Woman"

"That movie is so great?" he frowned.

"It's not about the movie. It's about all those things you never got the chance to do, now you do and discovering is fun"

"The same goes for you"

"Yeah, I guess you're right. We're going to be normal and fine. Not fine, it's a word you use when you pretend to be okay. We're going to be bright and shiny"

"Bright and shiny, huh?" Derek smiled at her choice of words and she smiled back.

Meredith got up and put the dvd, she was going to start the film when Derek asked "Am I allowed to talk during the movie?"

"No" she shook her head, very serious.

"That was exactly what I thought" he chuckled "Then I just want to tell you that I'm glad to discover all those new things with you, Mer. Now I'm shutting up" he turned his head back to the TV.

Meredith was glad he wasn't looking at her anymore because she was sure he would be able to see just how much his words had touched her. He hadn't said much but he had been sincere and it felt good to share that with someone especially when that someone was him.. She pushed the button play and soon, as expected, her attention shifted to the movie.


	8. Chapter 8

Derek was watching the TV but he couldn't tell what was happening in the movie. He had to stop thinking about Addison or Mark. It was just that every good time he ever had was with one of them or both. So thinking lead to them, he wanted to stop thinking but it was easier said than done.

He suddenly turned his head towards Meredith at the sound of snoring which couldn't come from her. A woman so tiny couldn't snore so loudly but he was hearing it clearly and strangely, it brought a smile to his lips. It seems that there wasn't a single thing about her he wouldn't find cute and he was too tired to worry about it. He carefully got up, took the remote control and switch off the TV. He hadn't been able to concentrate on the movie, maybe he would watch it another time. He was standing in front of her, wondering what he should do. He couldn't let her sleep on the couch but he didn't even know where her bedroom was. He went upstairs to check on the rooms, there was three bedrooms and when he found the one he was sure was Meredith's since the other one wee nearly empty, he went back downstairs.

He carefully took her in his arms, trying his best not to wake her up. He successfully lifted her to her bedroom and gently put her in. Fortunately for him, she had already taken off her shoes but he couldn't let her sleep in her jeans nor could he take off her clothes to change her. He took a deep breath and convinced himself that he could do it, he wouldn't look too much and he would do it quickly. He sat down next to her, placed his hands on her back and carefully lifted her so she could rest on his chest while he was taking off her shirt. The sensation he felt at her contact was not insignificant, he had known all along that he wanted her baldly but having her so near him was awakening and increasing his need for her. He forgot what he had told himself and looked at her, at her perfect tummy, his eyes travelled up to her chest and he stared at her breast still covered by her bra, the sight of her was stirring a familiar but stronger feeling inside him. He shook his head and put her back on the bed, he wasn't allowed to look at her like that, if she woke up she would surely kill him, well she was already going to kill him tomorrow anyway.

He opened her closet and took the first shirt he thought she wouldn't mind sleeping in and dressed her. She really was a loud sleeper, if it was him, he would have woken up a long time ago but he didn't mind, she was making it easier for him. As he knew how uncomfortable for a woman it was to sleep with a bra, now that she had her shirt on, he took her bra off. Now he had to take off her jeans. His eyes travelled down to her legs and even if he couldn't see them, he found them perfect and when he felt a tightening in his lower stomach, he knew taking them off wasn't a good idea at all. He concluded that sleeping in jeans wasn't so bad after all, she would survive.

He looked at her intently as if he was memorizing every detail before going out of her room and shutting the door. He couldn't tell how long he stayed against her door, fighting the urge to go back in and look at her again. He finally went down, took his coat and drove back to his trailer, wondering what was happening to him.

He was very tired but once in his bed, he couldn't sleep. He couldn't close his eyes or an image of Meredith would haunt him. He was convinced that it was just lust but sometimes he felt as if it was more but it couldn't be more, he wouldn't let that happen. When he woke up at the sound of his alarm, he had no idea how long he had slept but judging by his tiredness, he guessed not long enough.

Today he had a very rare surgery to do, in the afternoon but the morning was supposed to be slow, only a craniotomy. He went to the nurses' station to check something on the file of his patient to make sure everything was ready. He asked politely the nurse and waited for the file, while looking around. He spotted Meredith, who had her back towards him, talking to another intern, Dr Yang if he remembered correctly. He had to talk to her and explain for last time, he didn't want them to be awkward or her to get angry, he had no idea how she would react. The nurse gave him the chart, he reluctantly took off his eyes from Meredith and studied the chart.

Meredith was talking to Cristina with whom she had fast become friends, telling her that she wanted roommates.

"Roommates are bad news. Once you have them, you won't be able to get rid of them, you'd better think twice" Cristina had replied.

"If I want to keep the house, it's the only way"

"It'll be my pleasure to say I told you so" Cristina frowned at something behind her and when Meredith wanted to turn around she said "Don't turn around, McDreamy is staring at you. What's the deal between you two?"

"McDreamy?" Meredith had asked perplexed.

"Shepherd" Cristina had sighed as if it was obvious.

"McDreamy" Meredith thought "It fits"

"Of course it fits, I chose it" Cristina arrogantly said "So what's up with you two?"

"Us two as in Der..Dr Shepherd and I, there is no us, not at all, nothing. What are you talking about ?"

"Okay, the rambling is a give away, spill" Cristina smirked.

"Nothing, we are kind of friends"

"Kind of friends?" Cristina said doubtfully.

"We met at Joe's the night before my first day as an intern and we didn't know we were going to work together"

"So you had sex together, when I think you're boring, you rise"

"We did not have sex! We just talked"

"So the first impression was the right one, you're boring" Cristina rolled her eyes "Why didn't you have sex with him? The man is hot"

"The first time I saw him, he was coming out of the ladies' room"

"Ladies' room, okay that's strange but not a reason not to fuck him" When Cristina saw Meredith's expression, she understood "Oh, okay, good for him. He is coming this way." Cristina said just before he was actually behind her.

"Dr Grey, can I talk to you?" he asked.

She just looked at him and Cristina said "I'm leaving, see you later, Mer".

"Good morning" he smiled at her.

"Good morning" she frowned.

"About last night, I'm sorry"

"Sorry about that?" Meredith asked confused.

"You're not angry?"

"Angry about what?" she asked even more confused.

"That I took you to bed and changed you?"

"Oh that" Meredith blushed a little "I'm embarrassed, I'm sorry I fell asleep and thank you for taking me to bed"

"You're welcome" Derek smiled, feeling better now that he knew she wasn't mad at him. "Don't be sorry, you were tired, it's okay"

"No it's not, we were supposed to watch the movie, by the way, how did you like it?"

"I didn't really watch it, I was thinking"

"About what?"

"The past, what I lost"

"Are you okay?" she asked concerned.

"I'm fine"

"Which means you're not but you're going to be better"

"You promise?"

"I promise" she smiled reassuringly at him.

"Thank you"

"What for?"

"For being there"

"That's what friends are for. Want to go out tonight?"

"I'd love too" he smiled. "I have a craniotomy, I'll see you later" she nodded.

The surgery had gone really well, the patient had made it and there shouldn't be any complications. It was lunch time but he wasn't hungry, just exhausted, maybe he should just go and sleep in his office. That sounded like a really good idea but when he was walking to his office, his pager beeped, he groaned and looked at it and when he saw that it was Meredith, he smiled.

'You paged me?" He found her at the nurses' station.

"You just got out of surgery, right?" he nodded "So you haven't eaten, yet" he shook his head wondering what was her point. "I just got out of surgery too"

"How did it go?" he asked.

"Very good, the patient survived and will recover, yours?"

"The same goes for my patient"

"That's great. Now I'm hungry"

"It's lunch time, you can go to the cafeteria"

"What about you, are you going to eat?"

"Yes" he replied, not wanting to tell her that he didn't feel like eating, she would worry and ask why and even if it was adorable, he didn't want her to.

"So I'm going to eat and you're going to eat"

"Yes" he said looking at her strangely. "I'll see you later"

"Derek!" she exclaimed exasperated "I was trying to invite you to have lunch with me"

"Really? You could have said so" he smirked.

"Well, it was pretty obvious, genius" she rolled her eyes.

"Not really, you should try being more direct"

"Fine. Derek, would you like to have lunch with me?" Derek seemed to hesitate, he wasn't hungry at all and if they had lunch together, she would notice but she was trying to spend time with him and he couldn't say no. She looked at him confused "Wasn't that direct enough?"

"It was perfect" he smiled "And yes, I'd love to"

"Good, let's go, I could eat a horse" They started to walk towards the cafeteria.

"What did you have for breakfast?"

"Leftover grilled cheese"

"That's disgusting"

"No it's not. What did you have?"

"Nothing" He said as they entered the cafeteria, and took their trays.

"You don't eat in the morning?"

"I used to, now I don't have time"

She wasn't convinced by his statement. "What did you use to have?"

"Muesli"

"You're a health nut, I knew it!" she said as they made their way to a table.

"No, I'm not"

"You're lying but what's on your tray doesn't lie, just a salad, Derek, accept it, you're a health nut. Anyway Muesli is disgusting, it tastes like cardboard"

"Nonsense, as if left over grilled cheese was better"

"Of course it is"

"Have you ever tasted Muesli anyway?"

"No" she admitted "but I'm sure it tastes like crap"

"You don't get to insult something you don't know"

"I just have to look at it and I know"

'You know what they say, don't judge a book by its cover"

"Seriously? We're talking about Muesli here"

"Do you mind if I join you?" Cristina asked as she sat down, next to Meredith.

"You know if you ask, you could at least wait for an answer or just don't ask" Meredith replied

"What? Am I interrupting something?" Cristina looked at them, smirking.

"Shut up" Meredith smiled, cutting her before she embarrassed her more "We're talking about breakfast. What do you think of Muesli?"

"That's disgusting, Mer. Who eats that crap?"

"See?" Meredith turned to Derek who just shook his head. At that moment, they were joined by Izzie, George and Alex.

"Dr Shepherd" George awkwardly acknowledged Derek.

"Dr O'Malley" Derek greeted him back, amused by his discomfort. Karev didn't seem to mind or even notice he was there and Stevens was just looking at him and then at Meredith. "Meredith, I'm going to go, I'll see you later" Derek said, not really wanting to have so much company.

"You keep saying that you'll see me later. Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"Maybe" he smiled

"Too bad, you're stuck with me and you can't go, you haven't even eaten your ridiculous salad yet."

"You sound like my mother"

"She is a smart woman. Why do you want to go? They're interns, don't be afraid of them, I'll protect you" she smirked.

"I'm not afraid of them" he frowned.

"Good then stay"

"You really are bossy" he smiled

"You like it"

"Where did you get that idea?"

"You told me"

"I didn't mean it"

"I know you did"

"I didn't"

"You did"

"I didn't"

"What are you? five?" Cristina asked both of them, not caring that one of them was her boss.

"He started it" Meredith pointed Derek.

"That's really mature, Mer" He mocked her.

"You still want roommates?" Cristina asked Meredith.

"I'm not sure I want them but I told you, I need them" Merecith replied, not noticing the expressions of George and Izzie.

"You're looking for roommates?" Izzie choked out.

"Yes, I have two spare rooms and the rent is too expensive" Meredith explained

"Stop looking" Izzie said and George nodded.

"Why?" Meredith asked confused.

"George and I were looking for somewhere to live"

"We could be your roommates" George confirmed.

"I don't know" Meredith replied unsure and Cristina and Alex snorted while Derek just watched the exchange amused, his salad forgotten, he really wasn't hungry.

"Bu you said you wanted roommates" George insisted

"Yes but we're already together a hundred hours a week, you want to live together too?"

"I can cook. And I'm an obsessive cleaner" Izzie insited.

"Two things you really need, Mer" Derek replied, Izzie thanked him with a smile and Meredith scowled at him.

"He already went to your house" Cristina stated.

"Thanks, Der, thank you so much" Meredith chose to ignore Cristina, knowing what she implied.

"Sorry to tell you but you house is kind of dusty and your fridge empty and you do eat leftover grilled cheese, that's disgusting"

"You're so mean, I just moved in, I was going to clean"

"I'm not mean, just honest"

"Fine, you two can move in" she said in a defeated tone.

"Thank you" George and Izzie said at the same time.

"You're going to live with Bambi and the model, good luck with that" Cristina snorted.

"And thank you Dr Shepherd" Izzie added, ignoring cristina.

"I didn't do anything" he replied.

"Of course you didn't" Meredith rolled her eyes. "I don't even know why I'm friend with you"

"I don't know either"

"You don't know what? Why I'm friend with you or why you're my friend?"

"I know why I consider you a friend"

"Why?" she asked curious.

"Because… I don't know"

"But you just said that you knew"

"Well I don't"

Meredith frowned at him before turning her head to her friends "So what did you do this morning?"

"Rectals" Izzie grimaced.

"All morning?" Derek asked.

"Basically, yes" Izzie said.

"She pissed off Bailey" Alex spoke for the first time.

"Evil Spawn had sex with another nurse…again, how surprising" Izzie sent back.

"Do you keep an eye on me? You could be one of those nurses and have the chance to sleep with me" Alex winked at her.

"I'd rather do rectals for the rest of my life" Izzie replied disgusted.

"You realise there is an attending at the table" Everyone looked at George "I mean, you're not supposed to tell him you're having sex in on call rooms"

Everyone looked at Derek "I'm not going to tell, anyway sooner or later you're all going to have sex in on call rooms" Derek shrugged.

"Ladies' rooms, on call rooms, McDreamy is full of surprises" Cristina snorted.

"You don't mind being called McDreamy?" Derek asked Alex.

"I don't care being called Evil Spawn but McDreamy, that's not me" Alex replied.

"Who is McDreamy?" Izzie asked and then suddenly said "Yeah, McDreamy, you found that one right" she laughed. "But ladies' rooms?" she frowned, Cristina smirked and Meredith fidgeted in her chair.

"Am I the only one lost?" George asked, Alex and Derk shookl their head then he turned to the girls "Who is McDreamy?" Meredith kept her eyes to her tray while Cristina and Izzie looked at Derek. George and Alex followed their glance.

"Ladies' rooms, well done" Alex smiled at Derek, impressed.

"Ladies' room, Mer, you told her!" Derek laughed, looking at Meredith who still wouldn't meet his eyes.

"What? You two? I knew there was a reason I liked you, Grey" Alex smirked.

"Shut up Evil Spawn, I didn't have sex with him" Meredith replied.

"So you told her" Derek said.

"She wanted to know how I met you and you happened to just have sex in the ladies' room with some woman" Meredith said.

"You're still jealous you couldn't have me first" Derek smirked.

"I'm not jealous!" Meredith exclaimed "I didn't even want you to begin with"

"Keep telling yourself that" Derek smiled. "I was good looking and drunk, you would have taken advantage of me if someone hadn't already"

"You're not so good-looking and I'm sure you're the one who took advantage" Meredith said.

"Well, maybe not today but that night I had my good-looking shirt on and she is the one who took advantage" Derek replied.

"And the other woman, she took advantage too?" Meredith asked

"Yeah" Derek replied

"You're just too cocky for your own good" Meredith shook her head.

"The other woman?" Cristina asked.

"We're not talking about that any longer or his head will just explode" Meredith replied.

"What about Joe's tonight?" Izzie asked them.

Cristina, Alex and George all nodded but Merdith said "Tonight, I can't"

"Hot date, Grey?" Alex asked.

"Yeah" Derek replied but was hit by Meredith. "What? I'm hot"

"Shut up!" Meredith laughed "It's not a date"

"You're going out together" Izzie said.

"Interesting" Cristina added.

"We're not going out together as in together, we're just going out as friends, nothing else because we're just friends" Meredith rambled.

"How did I miss that?" Derek laughed.

"What?" Meredith asked.

"You ramble" Derek smiled "It's adorable"

"Adorable?" Cristina sneered.

"Yes, adorable" Derek confirmed "Mer, you should go out with your friends tonight"

"No, we said we were going out so we are" Meredith said.

"I'll be fine, you should go" Derek said.

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked and Derek nodded. "Okay but you're coming with us"

"What? No" Derek replied.

"Yes or I'm not going"

"You're coming McDreamy" Cristina said.

"Okay, I guess I am" Derek said

"It's going to be fun" Meredith said.

"Now I really have to go, so I'll all see you later, then" Derek said while getting up.

"Derek, you haven't eaten" Meredith noticed.

"I'm not hungry, I'll eat later" Derek said.

"Okay, see you later" Meredith waved at him, taking a note to ask him if he had problems eating.


	9. Chapter 9

The day had been way too long but it was finally over, Derek thought. The procedure he had had to perform had been difficult and exhausting as expected but he had rocked it. Once changed into his street clothes, he only had one desire: go back to his trailer and enjoy its quiet. He wanted to rest and to finally get the sleep he desperately needed. Tonight, everything didn't feel as if his world had fallen apart and he could only find a single explanation to that, Meredith. She had been so wonderful to him, made him laugh and forget that he was all alone. Tonight, the thought of Addison and Mark tangled together might still hurt but it was at least bearable. For the first time since the incident, he allowed himself to think that he could go on and maybe even be happy. That was hard for him to believe since he didn't even have the will to trust anyone, but what about Meredith? He had confided in her and it had been easy, she hadn't judged him and he liked her. He definitely liked her. And he was way too tired to even worry about it. It wasn't as if he was in love with her, she couldn't hurt him too much whatever she did.

He was approaching the exit when he heard her.

"Derek! You are leaving without me, again" Meredith shouted.

He turned to her and saw her with the other interns and it all came back to him. he had completely forgotten he was supposed to go out with them. He was so tired but he couldn't cancel now or maybe she would understand. They caught up with him.

"I'm really starting to believe that you're trying to avoid me" Meredith smiled at him.

"Why would I do that?" he smiled back.

"Let's go" Cristina said.

"About that…" Derek started.

"No, Derek, you're coming" Meredith looked at him concerned, "Please?" she added with a smile.

Derek was about to refuse again but how could he say no to her "Yeah, let's go"

They walked together to Joe's bar, making comments about the surgeries and strange patients they had encountered. They laughed together but Derek stayed awfully quiet. They were reminding him of his time as an intern when with Addison and Mark, they would go out and celebrate, talk about the same things they were currently doing. He felt slightly out of place and still wanted so badly to go to bed and stay alone. At first he wanted to enjoy the quiet but now he really wanted to have some time alone. He felt disappointed, he thought he had made some steps forward but it had just been an illusion.

He sometimes caught Meredith looking at him, and he smiled reassuringly at her, he was fine, there was nothing wrong. He just felt empty, he lacked of something but he couldn't tell what. He was also pitying himself, he knew he was doing it but couldn't stop as if he was stuck in a carousel and couldn't get off. And he was afraid to jump so there was no solution left. Jumping meant for him embracing life again, trusting people again but what if he was hurt again, could he survive that again? He didn't think so.

He hadn't even realised that they had entered the bar. He had to pay more attention, Meredith wanted him to be there, he could make an effort for her. They all sat down at the table, Derek next to Meredith who was next to Alex and in front of them, there was Cristina, Izzie and George.

"What do you want to drink?" Derek asked them all, when they all answered he said "Tequila and four beers, I'll be right back"

"You want some help?" Meredith asked him.

"No, it's okay" he replied, smiling hoping it seemed real. He wanted to have some time alone, it was stupid but he needed it.

"Is he okay?" Izzie asked, noticing that Meredith was still looking at Derek, who was at the bar, his back to them.

"I don't know" replied Meredith.

"Look over there, that chick totally wants him" smirked Alex, referring to a woman who was indeed staring at him and making her way towards Derek. At that sight, Meredith felt something but couldn't decipher what, it couldn't be jealousy, she wasn't jealous, right? She couldn't be, he was her friend nothing else. Derek was now smiling at something the woman had said, but she didn't care.

At the bar, Derek was leaning on one elbow, waiting for the drinks he had ordered when a woman appeared next to him, he hadn't even seen her approach.

"Can I buy you a drink?" she asked.

"You're forward" he smiled at her and had to admit that she was pretty, really pretty in fact. Less than a week ago, he would have ended up in her bed but tonight, he didn't even feel like having sex with her, it wouldn't change anything. "But I can't accept, thanks"

"Already taken" she smiled at him.

"No' he found himself answering before he could stop himself. Why had he said that? Now he knew what she was going to say and he had no answer for that.

"Then why?"

"Because..hmm" he trailed off "I'm with some friends and I can't"

At that moment Joe put the six glasses in front of him "Here you go, Doc"

"Thanks" he replied and thought he should have accepted Meredith's help.

"Do you want some help?" he heard the woman asked.

"That'd be nice, thanks" he replied smiling.

Back at the table, Meredith was doing her best to ignore Derek and his future conquest when Cristina said "He's coming back with her".

Derek and the woman placed the glasses on the table and he turned to her "Thanks"

She took a card from her bag and gave it to him "That's my number if you change your mind"

"Thanks but I don't think…"Derek passed his hand through his hair.

"Can't you let a girl hope?" the woman laughed before telling him goodbye and walking away.

Derek stood there like an idiot before finally realising that Meredith and her friends were looking at him, he sat down and started to drink his scotch.

"Derek, you could have gone with her" Meredith told him, putting aside whatever she felt at that thought.

"What? No, I didn't want to" he shook his head.

"Are you sure? Because I know I kind of forced you to come with me again but I'd understand" she looked straight at him.

"Well, I'd rather spend the night with you again" he winked at her.

"I'm still not sleeping with you" she giggled.

"I'm a patient man" he replied and she just rolled her eyes.

"Dr Shepherd… can I call you Derek?" Izzie asked unsure, having her boss at her table was confusing, he nodded "Where were you living before?"

"New York' he answered.

"I knew I had heard you name somewhere! You and Dr Sloan wrote an amazing article about _medical term_" Alex said and didn't notice how Derek shifted in his seat. "You were fucking rock stars in New York, why Seattle?"

"I'm running away from my wife" Derek replied and all of them especially Meredith looked at him, a little shocked by his bluntness "You're going to know it sooner or later" he shrugged.

There was an awkward silence before Alex asked hopeful "Is Dr Sloan coming too?"

"I hope not" Derek made a face but sensing he had broken the mood, he tried to be lighter "You want to specialize in Plastics?"

"Yeah" Alex answered.

"Mark is a great doctor but he doesn't like and doesn't know how to teach" Derek replied.

"Mark as in Mark, Mark" Meredith said emphasizing each time more Mark's name.

"Yeah" Derek sighed.

"Tomorrow can I assist you on your epidural hematoma?" Cristina asked.

"Cristina, you can't take advantage of him" Meredith scolded before Derek had a chance to reply.

"Whatever" Cristina shrugged.

"Someone wants to play darts?" Alex asked but nobody seemed to. "Come on, I'm bored, Grey?"

"I can't be trusted with a dart in my hand" she shook her head.

"Shepherd?" Alex asked Derek who accepted.

Derek found himself enjoying Karev's company who was a lot like Mark. He told himself he wasn't trying to replace Mark, even if he was, he couldn't, Mark was Mark. He had spent a lot of time in college playing darts so Karev didn't stand a chance but the latter's self-confidence was a quality he liked. After beating him several times, they came back to the table where they found Izzie and George bickering and Cristina observing rather amused.

"What's wrong with them?" Derek asked.

"They're already fighting about who gets the larger bedroom and they haven't even seen the house" Meredith sighed.

"It sucks to be you right now, having to bear them" Cristina snorted.

"Hey! I'm a great roommate" Izzie exclaimed.

"As if being an intern wasn't enough" Meredith ignored Izzie.

"It'll be all right" Derek said.

"Because you're not the one who is going to live with them. Where do you live anyway?"

"If I told you, you wouldn't believe me" Derek smiled.

"Try me" Meredith said but Derek shook his head still smiling "In a hotel?" he shook his head. "If I find, you will tell me?" he nodded. "In a castle" she said and it was the serious tone in her voice that worried him, it wasn't even a joke.

"A castle? Why would I live in a castle?"

"I don't know, you tell me Mr-I-Don't-Want-To-Tell-You-Where-I-Live-Because-You-Won't-Believe-Me"

"I'm not going to tell you" Derek replied amused.

"In a ferryboat?" Meredith tried again.

"A ferryboat?" George frowned.

"He has a thing for ferryboats" Meredith shrugged "Am I right?"

"I do have a thing for ferryboats but I don't live in one" Derek said.

"Ferryboats? Strange" Cristina said.

"In the hospital?" George tried and everyone looked at him "What? There's a woman living there"

"Crazy chick" Alex said.

"Smart woman, you mean" Cristina replied "No rent and she is there early to steal all the good cases"

"You're deranged" Meredith told her before turning back to Derek "So the hospital?"

"No" Derek said.

"You're rich, where do rich people live?" Meredith wondered aloud.

"I'm not that rich, Mer" Derek chuckled.

"Dude, you had a private practice" Alex said.

"You don't live in a hotel, a castle, a ferryboat, the hospital" Meredith summed up "I know! You live underground"

"Come on McDreamy, tell her where you live already, she is going mad and driving me crazy" Cristina said.

"I take it you don't live underground" Meredith said.

"No" Derek chuckled "Actually I live in a trailer" and as expected they looked at him as if they hadn't heard well.

"Are you kidding me?" Meredith asked..

"Don't make fun of my trailer" Derek pouted.

"And I thought you lived in a castle" she laughed

"Disappointed?" he asked.

"No, I actually I find it quite amazing" Meredith said honestly "You could live anywhere but you chose a trailer, why?"

"I had two big houses in New York, I wanted a change" Derek shrugged "And I brought the land by the river, it's beautiful. I'm not going to live in a trailer all my life but right now I love it"

"I want to see your trailer… and your land" Meredith said.

"Okay" Derek said.

"You, Derek freaking Shepherd, live in a trailer, who would have thought?" Meredith said.

"I'm just me, Mer, the same arrogant ass who tried to pick you up" Derek smiled remembering when they met.

"She turned you down?" Alex smirked.

Derek was about to reply when his phone, which was on the table, had vibrated. He looked at the screen, expecting to read Addison's name but surprisingly it was Mark's. A part of him wanted to answer, he missed Mark but he just couldn't.

"You're not going to get that?" Cristina asked Derek.

"No" he said as he turned off his phone. Mark's call wasn't going to ruin tonight. He wanted a new start and he was going to get it. "For the record, she may have turned me down but she wanted me" he told Alex and Meredith smacked his arm.

"I did not want you" She rolled her eyes. "I did not want him" she repeated to the others.

"You have any idea about your specialization?" Derek asked them, dropping the subject.

"Cardio" Cristina replied immediately without a doubt.

"No" replied George and Izzie.

"What about you, Mer?" Derek asked.

"Neuro"

"You're lucky, I've heard that the Head of Neuro is a genius ridiculously hot" Derek said.

"I've talked to him, he seems like an idiot to me" Meredith said.

"You're not denying the ridiculously hot part" Derek smirked.

"Shut up" Meredith laughed.

The rest of the evening was pleasant. Derek put everything aside and concentrated on his new

life. He definitely liked Meredith and her friends were…interesting.


	10. Chapter 10

The days had passed and Derek hadn't found them so long anymore. He had fewer and fewer calls from Mark or Addison and he couldn't be happier about it. It had been exactly two months since Addison and Mark had betrayed him and one month since he had come to Seattle and met Meredith. Their friendship had grown over the past weeks and each day he loved her company even more. He had even kind of made friends with her friends who seemed to have accepted him. He was liked and respected by the staff in the hospital and he liked working there even if he thought there was too much gossip. 

It had been two days since he had seen Meredith and he really had missed her. He was impatient to have lunch with her. He performed his surgery in the morning, caught up with his paperwork and heard the long-awaited knock on his office door. 

"Come in" he calmly said as if he hadn't been waiting for her. 

Meredith entered and smiled at him "Hey" she said softly. 

"Hey" he said as softly. "How are you?" he smiled. 

"I'm fine, you?" 

"Fine but I hate paperwork" he sighed. 

"Then you're lucky I'm here. Are you ready?" 

"Ready? Ready for what?" he frowned.

"You didn't forget did you?" she sat down next to him.

"Forget about what?" he asked even if he knew exactly what she meant, but he just loved teasing her. 

"Derek! You do that all the time" 

"Do what?" he frowned. 

"Are you kidding me? I can't believe it!" she glared at him. 

"Mer, what's wrong?" he tried to hide his smile. 

"Is it too hard to remember when we're supposed to meet? You do that every time, you forget, it's not really flattering for the ego" she pouted. She didn't want him to know that every time he had done that, he had hurt her. She really liked him and she loved spending time with him and was always impatient to but he didn't seem to care. 

"Mer" Derek put his arm around her shoulder and noticed a brief look of surprise in her eyes that she quickly hid. "You're really cute when you pout", now she wasn't pouting anymore but glaring at him, "I was just kidding, of course I remember we are having lunch together, I have been waiting for that" he smiled sweetly at her.

"Really?" she had stopped glaring now. 

"Yeah, I've missed you" he half-smiled.

"You can't have missed me" she shook her head. "We saw each other two days ago and we've been seeing each other every day, you can't miss me" she looked at him strangely. 

"Is it written somewhere?" he asked amused. 

"What?" 

"That I can't have missed you? Because I'm sure I did" 

"I don't believe you" she said but was a little freaked out by the fact that a part of her wanted him to have missed her because that same part had missed him too, as strange as it sounded. 

"I've never lied to you"

"I know, it's just that you can't have missed me" she repeated not looking at him any more. 

"I've missed you, Mer. Why is that such a big deal?" he asked confused by her reaction, he hadn't told a lot of girls he had missed them but none of them had reacted like that. 

"It's just that…well, nobody had told me that before" she admitted in a quiet voice, not meeting his eyes. 

"Oh" was all Derek could say. He knew she hadn't had an easy life, no parents, no many real friends and no real boyfriends but he had never realised until now how alone she must have felt until now. He got up. "Get up, Mer" he told her. 

"What?" she finally looked up at him. 

"Get up" he kindly asked again, she frowned but still got up so she was now in front of him. He was looking at her intently, smiling a little. He took a step towards her so their bodies were inches apart and he kept looking at her. Meredith wondered what he was doing but she stayed still, not being able to move or talk, just looking at him. Unexpectedly, he opened his arms and enveloped her in them. Derek was hugging her, she felt how he was inhaling the scent of her hair and she didn't know what to do. She stayed very still, frozen by the warmth that was radiating from his body. But what shook her the most, was the feeling of complete safeness she experienced. She instinctively wrapped her arms around him, wanting to share that same feeling with him. The growl of her stomach echoed through the silence in the office and she sheepishly looked up at him. 

"Someone is hungry, let's go eat" Derek slowly let go of her while she fought the urge to go back into his comforting arms, silently cursing her impatient stomach. 

Meredith watched discreetly Derek as they were making their way to the cafeteria. She didn't really understand what had happened, why he had hugged her but it had brought back feelings she wanted desperately to let go. She wanted to fall in love but not with him. He was scary and damaged just like she used to be and even if he was working on it, he didn't seem to want to ever fall back in love. 

They had already paid for their food and Meredith was following Derek while he made his way to an empty table. She looked at him and the only thing she wanted was to wrap her arms around him and feel those muscular arms enveloped her again. She already missed the feeling of his arms, how pathetic was that? As she sat down, she sighed soundly and he looked up to her. 

"Are you all right?" he frowned at her. 

"I'm fine" she replied automatically and regretted it instantly, that was Derek she was talking to, she couldn't fool him. 

"Which means you're not; is something bothering you?" he asked concerned. 

"No really I'm okay" she hold his gaze. 

"Changing words doesn't fool me" he chuckled. 

"I'm just exhausted, you know with the internship and all" she sounded quite honest and anyway it wasn't completely a lie. 

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that, the advantages of being an attending" 

"I hate you right now" she glared at him, if only it could be true. 

From his smirk she could only imagined what he was going to say but the arrival of her friends saved her. The four of them noisily sat down with them. George and Alex were arguing about something sport related she didn't understand at all while Cristina was mocking Izzie because she had stolen her surgery. 

"Guys, can't you make less noise?" She glared at them. 

"What's up with her?" Cristina asked Derek and when he shrugged she turned back to Meredith and her failed attempt at being threatening "You need to get laid"

"I do not need to get laid" Meredith rolled her eyes, trying hard to forget that the first person she thought of having sex with was right beside her. 

"If that was the case you can come to me" Derek smiled suggestively at her. 

"What?" Meredith choked. 

"We're friends, we could be sexy friends" He winked at her and she blushed embarrassed because she wished she could just accept his offer. "You should consider it" 

"You couldn't handle me" Two could play a game.

"Want to find out?" 

She looked at him sceptically, was he just joking? She couldn't tell with him so she did what she did best, she avided. "No since I do not need to get laid"

"Whatever you say" Cristina dismissed her. "I saw the doctor who lives in the hospital" she said to George. "Why couldn't I think of that before her? Oh I know why you're so grumpy." 

"I'm not grumpy" Meredith glared at her, wondering why she was friends with her.

"How is the roommates' life treating you?" 

"They have nothing to do with my mood" Meredith pointed to George and Izzie. 

"You still haven't come to my trailer" Derek pointed out. 

"Because you still haven't invited me" She replied. 

"My mistake. Meredith, would you like to come to my modest trailer, tonight? We could have dinner, I'll cook for you" 

"I'd finally get the meal you promised me, that's a great idea" she replied and meant it, she had wanted to see where he lived for a month now and had patiently waited for him to think about inviting her and he had finally done it. It meant something, right? As soon as that idea crossed her mind, she felt stupid. She was thinking about him being ready to love her when he still loved his wife even if he didn't want to admit it. He wasn't even divorced yet from what he had told her last time but maybe it had changed. 

"Has your wife signed the papers?" she suddenly asked him, not even realising that she had cut in their conversation. 

"No.. I don't know" Derek replied surprised. "Why?" 

"I was just wondering" Meredith shrugged. Derek just nodded but she didn't miss Cristina and Izzie's stare. 

Derek took his pager as it started beeping. "The Chief" he frowned. "You can come tonight if you have nothing else to do" He addressed Meredith's friends and placed a kiss of Meredith's cheek before walking away. 

Meredith's hand automatically went to her cheek. 

"You're so screwed" Cristina snorted. 

"What are you talking about ?" Meredith looked at her quizzically. 

"Nothing" Cristina smirked before resuming eating keeping an unnerving smile as if she held a precious secret no one else did. 

At the end of the day, Meredith felt really tired, she hadn't seen Derek since he had been paged by the Chief and she wondered if he was okay. Tonight he was supposed to cook for he had been so cocky about his cooking skills that she was impatient to taste his food. Her friends were also changing and seemed to be as tired as she was except for Cristina who would never admit it. Derek had also invited them and she didn't know if they were coming or not. But the worst part was that she didn't know if she wanted them to come. She felt like spending time alone with Derek. But at the same time she feared being alone with him, maybe he would notice she was starting to fall in love with him. She had finally accepted the fact that she felt something else for him other than friendship but he wasn't ready and maybe would never be ready. Was she wasting her time? She needed to stop those feelings from developing which means she needed to see him less often. She would do that after tonight she decided. 

"So are you guys coming tonight?" Meredith finally asked the other interns. 

"Unless you don't want us to come" Cristina replied. 

"Why wouldn't I want you to come? Besides Derek invited you"

"Do you want to spend some time alone with Derek?" Izzie asked her trying to sound casual. If Meredith wanted to be alone with him, she didn't want them to interfere. 

"Why would I want that? I don't want to be alone with him. Why would I want to be alone with him?" 

"If you want someone to believe you, stop repeating yourself Mer. Who are you trying to convince? Don't lie to yourself" Cristina said and Meredith was surprised by the lack of mockery in her voice. 

"I don't want to be alone with him." Meredith repeated firmly and when the girls looked at her again while the boys did as if they weren't listening to their conversation, she sighed "I shouldn't be alone with him"

"You're falling for him" Izzie said and Meredith looked down. "It's not a bad thing Meredith, maybe he feels the same way" 

"He doesn't" Meredith replied. 

"How do you know that?" Izzie wondered. 

"He is not over his wife whatever he says and at the same time he thinks that love doesn't exist which is totally paradoxical" Meredith groaned and when she saw how sadly Izzie was looking at her, she added "Stop looking at me like that, it's not like I love him, it's just that maybe I like him a little more that a friend but it's nothing, it'll pass. So are you coming tonight?" 

"Well, we can't let you alone with him" Cristina replied. 

"I lived in a trailer park when I was younger, I want to see his trailer" Izzie said. 

"I'm coming, it could be fun" George said. 

"I'm in" Alex nodded. 

"Okay. I haven't heard from him since lunch, I'll go look for him and you can wait for us in the lobby" Meredith told them before going out of the locker's room. 

She went to Derek's office and knocked on his door. When he invited her to come in, she opened the door and closed it behind her. Derek looking into space before making eye contact wit her and he lightly smiled at her. No man had the right to look so hot, she thought, it should definitely be forbidden. How was she supposed to get rid of unwanted feelings when just his sight turned her on? 

"Are you ready to go?" he asked her and she nodded. "Are your friends coming?" she nodded again. "Let's go then" 

Meredith sensed that something was off in his voice, "Derek, are you all right?" she asked concerned. 

"Yes. I had a meeting with the Chief" He sighed. "Mark is coming in two days for a consult"

"I'm sorry. We would understand if you want to cancel tonight." Meredith tried to hide her disappointment. 

"No, no. I don't think you understand. I'm not mad, I'm not even sad. I think I've forgiven them" Derek surprised himself when he said that. "I may seem a little off but it's just because I thought I couldn't let go of the past but I did, thanks to you." He smiled at her and she felt her knees go weak. 

"I… I didn't do… anything" She stammered. 

"You don't realise how much what you did mean to me, Mer" He got up and took her in his arms. "I was lost when I came here but you showed me that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and you made me reach for it so thank you" He pulled back and smiled at her. 

"That's the second time you have hugged me today" Meredith blushed. 

"What can I say? You're so irresistible I can't keep my hands away" He chuckled. 

"I knew there was a pervert reason" Meredith rolled her eyes. 

"Do you want me to keep my hands to myself?" 

"Yes…No… I don't know" she blushed again and he just laughed. 

"I was just teasing you." He chuckled at her embarrassment "I know we're friends, not sexy friends, I am not hitting on you"

"I'm glad you've finally understood that" she concealed her mixed feelings to appear unconcerned. 

"Let me take my jacket and we're off" He told her. 

They quietly walked together to the lobby to meet her friends. Meredith felt as if he had stomped on her heart and the worst part was that he didn't even care since he didn't even know. Derek was a good looking man and maybe she had just confused her feelings towards 

him. She was certainly attracted to him and that was all, she wasn't in love with him. Anyway, he had made it perfectly clear that he didn't want her. 


	11. Chapter 11

Derek had had an excellent evening. Meredith had been in awe of his land. She hadn't found him weird for wanting to live in a trailer in the middle of nowhere when he could afford a big house. Even her friends had liked the land. He had fished for them and cooked trout and they had loved it. It looked like it had nearly killed Cristina but she had actually said something nice. And Karev was interested in fishing so Derek had told him that he wouldn't mind inviting me over one day. It was at that time that he had briefly thought about Mark because they have used to fish together. But then he had been busied looking at Meredith who was admiring the view. 

He had his life back on track. He was even happier than he had ever felt before when he woke up. That was really him, not the guy he had been in New York to please Addison. He drove to work and thought of the work he would have to do, it wouldn't be a too long day. He walked into the lobby to his office when he noticed her. There were people all around him but he somewhat always managed to see her. He approached her but noticed she wasn't alone. She was talking to a man who had his back to him and she was smiling at him. The sight of her flirting with another man made him sick to the stomach but he didn't understand why. They were just friends, it shouldn't bother him but it did. 

He had no right to interfere in her love life. He was about to turn around but the jacket of them man looked oddly familiar. He took some steps towards them and the more he approached them, the sicker he felt. 

Meredith had been writing on a chart when a hot guy had begun to flirt with her. He was definitely hot and knew it. She wasn't really in the mood to flirt wit him but he was funny and direct so she just played the game. And maybe it wasn't that bad, she needed to get Derek out of her mind. Speaking of the devil, she saw him out of the corner of her eyes while she was talking to the stranger. He stood still looking at them and she felt uneasy. She was flirting with another man in front of him but it wasn't as if he cared any way. She put her attention back on the stranger who was still not so subtly asking her to have sex with him. She then saw that Derek was coming their way and she wondered what he was going to do. Maybe he would get all jealous and then they would have hot, angry sex. Right, keep dreaming Grey. The more she looked at Derek while ignoring a little the stranger in front of her, the more she noticed how tensed he seemed to be. And the look in his eyes was kind of frightening, she had never seemed him look so angry. 

The stranger looked at the woman in front of him and frowned when she wasn't looking back. No woman had ever ignored or resisted him so he turned around to see what was so interesting behind him. That's when a fist solidly connected with his jaw. So unprepared for the immediacy of the attack, it threw him off balance and sent him tumbling onto the floor. He landed with a loud thud, bringing the attention of most of those present. 

"Derek, what the hell was that?" He heard the woman he had flirted with, shout at the man who had hit him and maybe broke his jaw. 

"That was Mark" Derek bitterly said while shaking his hurt hand. 

"Oh" was all the woman uttered and looked back at the not so stranger man who was still on the floor but in a sitting position, and who was intently staring at Derek with regret while the other completely ignored him. 

It seemed as if, everyone had stopped moving around them. They were all wondering what had happened and already gossiping about it when a loud, forceful voice rang through the lobby. "Shepherd, in my office now" The Chief didn't seem pleased at all "And Dr Grey, take care of Dr Sloan"

Derek turned around without making eye contact with any of them and took the stairs to follow the Chief. Meredith instructed Mark to follow her so she could suture his face. She was cleaning the wound when he engaged the conversation. 

"So you're the intern, huh?" his voice had lost the flirty edge she thought was natural and he just looked like someone had killed his dog. 

"The intern?" she repeated not clearly understanding. 

"Derek and I always did have the same taste in women" Mark said and Meredith just looked perplexed at him. 

"Excuse me?"

"You're Derek's lusty intern, right? Heard about you all the way back in New York. You're famous"

"What?" she shrieked. "Derek and I are just friends"

"Friends?" he laughed. 

"What's so funny about that?" 

"Nothing" he sighed "How is Derek?" 

"You had sex with his wife, how do you think he is?" 

"He told you. But he is not miserable, right?"

"He is better and yes he told me since we're friend, he can trust me" Meredith said her tone accusing. 

"Yeah, right, friends" He smirked, choosing to ignore her remark about trust. "You know it's funny. Derek walks in on me naked with his wife actually in the throes. And he just turns around and walks away, but he sees me so much as talking to you and I'm on the ground bleeding. Interesting, don't you think? "

Meredith didn't respond instead she moved to start suturing his face. 

"What do you think you're doing?"

"You need stitches" 

"I know, hold the mirror" he told her and start suturing in own face then asked her for an x-ray. 

Meredith comes behind her friends who were also gossiping about what had happened. "McSexy wants an x-ray to check for fractures and I think it's a bad idea if I take him" 

"I'm on it" Alex leapt off. 

"McSexy?" Cristina asked. 

"No" Meredith replied. 

"McYummy?" Izzie tried. 

"No" Both Cristina and Meredith replied. 

"McSteamy" Meredith offered. 

"Oh, there it is" Cristina agreed. 

"I'm going to see Derek" Meredith said. 

"McDreamy punched McSteamy because you were flirting with him and probably going to have dirty hot sex. Interesting, don't you think?" Cristina chuckled. 

Meredith blushed "What? No, it had nothing to do with me, he punched him because…he is Mark, that's it, not because we were flirting, and we were not going to have sex anyway, we were just talking about…" 

"Oh God, don't you ever stop?" Cristina snorted

"Cristina" Izzie scowled. "But she is right, you know" she told Meredith "McDreamy did punch him" 

"You can't really blame his wife for screwing McSteamy, can you?" Cristina stated, staring appreciatively at Mark. 

"No" Izzie agreed. 

"What? Of course you can. She was married when she had sex with him…That's just unacceptable and why would she cheat on a man like Derek?" 

"You have it bad, Mer, it's pathetic" Cristina rolled her eyes. 

"I'm going now" Meredith said to escape from the talk that was making her uncomfortable. Of course she had thought about that, maybe Derek was jealous but he had a better reason to have punched Mark such as he had sex with his wife. She didn't want to have false hopes and Derek had made it pretty clear that they were just friends. 

She seemed to come a lot to his office. She softly knocked and entered when she was invited. He seemed lost in his thoughts but slightly turned to her when she came in. 

"Maybe I should just give you a key" He joked and she smiled back, well he seemed to be taking it better than she thought. 

"Bu then I would barge in unannounced, who knows what you'd be doing?" 

"I never had sex in this office, you want to christen it?" He smirked. 

"Are you okay?" she sat on the chair in front of his office. 

"Yes, I think I am but my hand is a little sore but it's okay" he smiled lightly at her.

"The meeting with the Chief?" 

"It was okay" He shrugged, "Well not really okay because he had told me before not to do something stupid but well" He shrugged again. 

Meredith took the ice pack he had put on his office and put it on his hand, "Do you feel better?" 

"Better? No, not really. I don't know why I punched him, well I have a slight idea but I didn't mean too. I could have punched him when I found him in bed with my wife but I didn't." 

"Yeah, he told me that" 

"You talked to him?" He frowned telling himself that it was a simple question, not jealousy. 

"Well, you made a pretty good job on him" she chuckled. "The chief asked me to take care of him"

"Yeah"

"Why did you punch him?" Meredith needed to know. 

"I don't know" Derek looked at her uncomfortable. 

"Derek" 

"I really don't know, Mer. I saw him and he was talking to you and I don't know, I just punched him" 

"Was it because of what happened with your wife?" Meredith knew she was insisting but she needed to know. 

"Yes, no, I mean… I don't know" He looked at her sheepishly. 

"Derek, being incoherent is my thing" She giggled. 

"Right" he smiled "Why I punched him is not important, Mer" He told her and she wanted to scream that yes, actually it was for her but she kept quiet. "I shouldn't have" he added. 

"Are you going to talk to him?" She asked him, maybe it was his chance to really let go of the past. 

"We have nothing to say to each other" He shook his head. 

"But if he talked to you, would you listen to him?"

"He won't talk to me" 

"How do you know?" Meredith frowned. 

"Mark has never been sorry for anything in his life, he doesn't even know what it means. And excuses are the only thing I want to hear from him" 

"Maybe this time is different. He seemed genuinely concerned about you and sorry for what he did" 

"Maybe" Derek nodded but because he didn't have the talk to go on, he didn't want to argue with her about that. She didn't know Mark Sloan like he did. 

Derek's indecisiveness about why he had punched Mark was all Meredith could think about. Maybe she should just tell him what she feels to get rid of it; she was tired of not knowing. 

"Derek, I have something to tell you" She said gravely while her heart rate sped up and her hands got sweaty. He looked up, indicating her that he was listening. 

"Derek ,I didn't mean for this to happen. I don't even know what I'm really feeling but I need to tell you because you're… you. I'm sorry because it may changes things between us and I don't want it to happen but I have to tell you" she took a deep breath, there, she was going to say it. 

He panicked a little "Is it about Mark? Please, don't tell me you're interested in him"

"What? No" She exclaimed and Derek released a deep breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Okay then you can tell me anything, Mer" he squeezed her hand reassuringly. 

"I think I'm falling in love with you" She whispered staring at a pen on his desk. 

"I..you.. Mer" He stuttered. 

"Okay, now I feel like an idiot. I'm sorry I just needed to tell you" She furiously blushed and felt tears threaten to fall without reason. Or yes, there was a reason, he looked totally shocked and he was staring at her and she felt embarrassed. 

"Mer, I don't know what to tell you" And he really was at a loss for words.

"You don't need to say anything. I just wanted to tell you because I couldn't keep it to myself any more" 

"Okay" he nodded, not knowing what else he was supposed to say. He felt like an idiot because he couldn't tell her the same thing but he couldn't tell her that he didn't feel the same way because he had no fucking idea what he felt for her. He knew he should be saying something because she had mustered all her courage to open up to him but he didn't know what so he said the first thing that came to his mind. "Thank you for telling me" 

She looked at him visibly disappointed by his answer because it offered no indication to what he was feeling. "I'm going to go" She said but didn't move. 

He knew that she wanted him to say something and he wanted too but he just had no idea what so he just kept staring at her. 

"I'll go" she said another time but this time she actually went. 

He wanted to stop her but to tell her what? He watched as she left her office and cursed himself. He punched his desk with his already hurt hand and bit back a scream of pain. He had messed up and it felt like there was nothing he could do about it.

He didn't know how long he had stayed like that until he heard a knock on his door. Maybe Meredith had come back and this time he wouldn't act like a jerk, he would say something. 

But when the person who had knocked came in his office, it was not Meredith at all and he sighed soundly. 

"Derek, I know you don't want to talk to me but just listen to me please and then I'll be out of your life if you want" Mark said and Derek just looked at him. "That's it? You're going to listen to me?" Mark couldn't hide his surprise, he had already prepared himself for a shouting match before he could speak but that was better. 

"Mark, if you have something to say, just say it" Derek said. 

"I'm sorry" 

"You are?" 

"You can't imagine how sorry I am, man."

"Thanks" Derek replied. 

"What?" if Mark had found Derek strange at the beginning, now he felt like he was in another universe. 

"I had time to think about what happened and even if it is not an excuse, I'm partly to blame for what happened. I was absent and you two grew closer" He shrugged, recognising that he was to blame was hard but he needed to do it. 

"I know it's not an excuse either but Derek, I didn't have sex with her to hurt you or because I could, I was in love with her" 

"No you're right. It doesn't make it better" But Derek couldn't hide his surprise at Mark's statement. Mark had never been in love before. 

"I know." He paused "You have quite an impressive right punch" Mark said while massaging his jaw. 

"What are you doing?" Derek asked him. 

"I thought that maybe... I'm not asking you to be my friend right away but maybe we could try" 

"Why does it matter? You're going back to New York anyway" He had never seen Mark unsure of something before. 

"Well about that, I may stay here. Richard offered me a job and I… I didn't come to Seattle for that job, I didn't come to Seattle for the weather, I came here to get you back"

"To get me back?" Derek lightly chuckled and Mark laughed. 

"I know, I want to take it back now, but I already said it, so..." Mark said sheepishly. 

"Okay, we could try" Derek said and Mark nodded hopeful. 

"Now, I'm definitely staying" Mark said. 

"If I didn't know you better, I'd think you want in my pants" Derek chuckled. 

"In your dreams, McDreamy. By the way, your nickname is pretty gay" Mark smirked. 

"Oh God, you've heard about that and you've been here for what? An hour?" 

"Pretty much"


	12. Chapter 12

Mark had left minutes earlier and all Derek had been able to think about was how unbelievably insensitive he had been towards Meredith

Mark had left minutes earlier and all Derek had been able to think about was how unbelievably insensitive he had been towards Meredith. She had confessed her feelings for him and he had said merely said thank you. From the scared look on her face, she had been prepared to hear him say that he didn't feel the same way but she had expected a real answer. But he couldn't have given her an answer since he didn't even know how he felt.

He was finally divorced. Mark had brought back the papers signed by Addison. He hadn't wanted to know how or why Mark had them. He had just been glad everything was finally over. He had loved Addison but somewhere along the way they had stopped loving each other. But to him, she had destroyed any faith he had in love. But now, everything felt different. Meredith was in love with him, he didn't know why or when it had happened but she was in love with him, she had told him and he had reacted like an idiot.

There was no doubt that he loved Meredith but was he in love with her? He had done everything not to think about that. He had known since the beginning that she was someone he could have easily fall in love with but he had refused to let it happen. But now he could only focus on her beauty, her kind heart, her giggle, the way she scrunched her nose. He felt like he knew her by heart. When she wasn't with him, he missed her terribly. He couldn't imagine living without her. He couldn't tell if it was friendship or love that he was feeling and until he was sure, he couldn't tell her. However, a friend wouldn't have reacted the way he had when he saw her flirting with another man. He was finally ready to admit that he had punched Mark out of jealousy but it didn't mean he was in love with her. When he was with her, he felt free, she knew him and didn't judge him, he could freely be himself. He didn't spend a day without thinking about her and let's not talk about the physical attraction… She had given him hope and now her love. His heart rate started to speed up at he thought of her and the possibility of losing their relationship.

He had been an idiot from the very beginning when he had refused to open up his heart to her. He knew the answer now, he was in love with Meredith. And strangely, it didn't feel as scary as he thought it would. He had sworn he would never fall in love again but he was in love with an amazing woman and because of that he wasn't afraid of the future. Now, all he needed to do was to tell her. His palms got sweaty at the thought of telling her which was stupid since she loved him and all he had to do was to tell her he loved her back.

He couldn't believe it. Meredith loved him. He broadly grinned when he remembered how nervous she had been when she had told him. He was in a hurry to tell her, she must be feeling dejected after his stupid answer. He rushed out his office to look for her but he couldn't find her anywhere and he was pretty sure she was avoiding him. He went to the nurses' station and asked one of them to page Meredith to his office. They needed privacy, so he went back to his office and hoped she would show up.

He was glad he didn't have a surgery until in the afternoon but he had a lot to catch up on paperwork. He tried to concentrate on them but he couldn't. Ten minutes later, he heard a soft knock on his door. He cleared his throat to get rid of his nervousness and ask her to come in. When he was how nervous she seemed to be and the way she wouldn't look at him in the eye, he felt stupid to have felt nervous. He loved her and knew she loved him too but she didn't know, he had no reason to be nervous compared to her.

"Meredith, I'm sorry I reacted that way" He told her, half-smiling at her. Se looked up and nodded but didn't say a word. "I was surprised" He kept on "I didn't expect it and I needed some time to think about it"

"You don't have to be sorry. I'm the one who is sorry, I didn't want to fall in love with you but I did and then I didn't want to tell you but again I did"

"Don't say that" he told her while getting up and closing the space between them. She attempted to take some steps back but she already had her back was against his door.

"Say what?" She frowned at him.

"Don't say that you didn't want to fall in love with me because I like to think that I'm very lucky an amazing woman like yourself fell in love with me." He drew his head closer to hers. "Don't say that you didn't want to tell me because you telling me finally opened my eyes"

"What… What do you mean?" Meredith stuttered because of his closeness.

"I love you, Mer" He looked at her right in the yes to prove his point, hoping his eyes reveal what he felt.

Meredith opened her mouth in surprise but quickly recovered "No, you can't say that" She put both of her hands on his chest and pushed him gently away from her.

"Can't say what?" He asked confused.

"That you love me"

"Why?" He frowned.

"Because you're telling me because I told you" She looked down, not able to meet his eyes.

"No, Mer. I'm sorry I didn't tell you right back"

"Why made you change your mind? It was because I told you Derek"

"I didn't change my mind." He shook his head. "I loved you before you told me, I just didn't want to acknowledge it"

"Is it so horrible to be in love with me?"

"Why do you misinterpret everything I say?" He sighed, he had thought it would have been easier than that. "I didn't want to fall back in love but I did and I'm in love with you, Mer and I'm finally ready to admit it"

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked hopeful. Things had never been easy for her, she couldn't believe that he loved her.

"I'm completely sure. Since the day I met you, I knew that I wanted you more that just for sex, that's why the first night I went away, that's why I backed away that other night when we nearly had sex. I was scared you would become too important for me but now I'm not scared anymore. I love everything about you" His slipped around her to nudge closer, bringing his body inches from her, and looked at her seductively and whispered low. "Meredith, will you go out with me?"

Meredith giggled "Did you just ask me to go out with you as if you were asking for sex?"

"Do you want me to be asking for sex?" He brought their faces together so their noses were touching.

Meredith rolled her eyes but hen became more serious "Yes" and she furiously blushed "I mean, yes I will go out with you not that I want you to ask for sex, but it doesn't mean that I don't want you to ask… Okay just shut me up"

He chuckled "Don't shut up, I love it" He brought his mouth as close to hers as he could without actually touching it "Now, can I kiss you?"

She gently put her lips on his and neither of them moved as if they were both trying to take time to memorize the feeling. Her lips were as soft as he remembered. His lips slightly parted, he put her bottom lip between his lips and sucked it gently. The kiss was so intimate, so tender and so full of love that Meredith gradually became hungry. His tongue flickers out and gently traces the edges of her lips. Her breathing became deeper, her fingers travelled down his neck and through his soft hair. A sudden delicate lick upon her earlobe made her knees weak, he licked and kissed, sucked. She let out an involuntarily cry and gasped softly. Her hands cupped his face and drew him into a deep kiss, her tongue pressed in and hungrily explored his mouth.

"That was quite a kiss" He whispered slightly out of breath.

"It was" she whispered back, already feeling the need to kiss him back. His body was still pressed against hers and his face inches away from her.

"I love kissing you" He smiled at her.

"Then why did you stop?" she replied seductively.

"Because if I don't, I won't be able to stop" He played with her hair and the feeling of his arousal told her he was speaking the truth.

"Who said I wanted you to stop?"

He looked at her "Our first time shouldn't be here"

"Why? I thought you wanted to christen your office" She replied playfully.

"We will, don't worry about that" He smirked "But I want our first time to be special. You deserve more than an office"

"You are special enough for me, I want you now" She ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his exposed neck and chin.

"Are you sure?" He asked huskily.

"I'm completely sure" She brought her lips to his.

His hands roamed over her back and caressed her body. They slid down from her breasts to her stomach and disappeared into her slacks. She leaned her head back, she placed her hands on his hips and began a slow dance against his body, moving up and down while pushing against him, rubbing herself against his now more evident erection.

His hand moved down inside her pants. She took an intake of breath and emitted slow moans. Her mouth found his again, his lips were so soft. She pushed her tongue into his mouth, matching the slow sensual rhythm of his fingers. He brought his hand up to her mouth and whispered "You're so beautiful".

She took his fingers into her mouth and sucked her own taste from them, closing her eyes. The affect made him close his eyes and savour the feeling of her lips and tongue drawing his fingers in. He slowly removed his wet fingers and allowed them to trail down her chin and massage her throat. Then he began to undress her.

He slowly removed her blouse, softly caressing her breasts through the fabric. He pulled the blouse down her shoulders and arms, and she shivered. Her scrub pants fell to the floor. She was wearing a lacy black bra and panties, she stepped out of her slacks, and he paused to look at her, take her in. His hands delicately traced her form, down her arms and over her waist. His fingers pulled the top of her bra down, and he bent down to taste her nipple. Her legs lost their strength so she grabbed him to steady herself. His hands reached around and unfastened her bra, and it fell to the floor. He held her tightly as his mouth kissed and sucked and pulled on her breast.

"You feel so good" she moaned.

He took it as an invitation to continue. He slowly lowered himself to the floor in front of her and slid her panties down her legs slowly. Her hands grabbed his head and pulled him into her. His tongue darted out to taste her, his five o'clock shadow grazing her skin. As he licked her, his head moved into her. His hands moved up behind her and his fingers dug into her cheeks, pulling her hard against his mouth. Her own hands moved up to cup her breast as waves of pleasure were overwhelming her. Her breathing increased in speed and he knew that she was reaching orgasm.

Her hands gripped his shoulders as she came hard. He continued to lick her during her spasms until she backed away from him and pulled him up from the floor. They both struggled with his scrubs. When he was free of them, he took her by the shoulders and backed her up against the wall.

He pushed her against the wall and her legs opened for him. He brought both of her wrists up over her head, pinning them against the wall.

A tremor runs through his body. "Are you sure?" He asked her and she nodded before forcefully taking his lips. He entered her and moved quickly and deeply into her then he moved inside her with a slow sensual motion.

"Faster" she whimpered.

He moved in and out of her faster and faster, pushing her body against the wall while restraining her wrist. She loved how he could completely filled her. He dropped her wrists and grabbed her shoulders instead. She was near another orgasm, he moved hard and fast, they had both lost themselves in their passion and their hunger for the other. She grabbed him and clawed his back. She gasped and moaned, she is lost in an unfathomable sea of pleasure as she exploded and cried out his name. After a sudden deep thrust, he stopped, a warmth exploded within her and they are both filled with utter bliss.

He reaches over and brushes a few strand of hair away from her eyes. She felt a smile crept upon her face and his face mirrored it. He sighed and leaned forward to kiss her. She took his mouth and tried to memorize it, to keep forever. It seemed impossible that she would be able to keep this feeling of love and safety.

"I love you" he whispered.

"I love you too" she echoed.

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So this was the last part, I'm sorry if it was a little too fast but I didn't have a lot of time and I wanted to finish that story but I hope you still liked it. THANK YOU for reading and commenting, comments mean a lot to me.

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